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  He had to have done something momentous. As big as a torrential fucking downpour. I am not going to go waltzing into an emergency room with the possible creator, the possible consequence of why Natalie is where she is now.

  I have a feeling Layla would attack, claws out. I manage to convince them to drop me off at the hospital. Barely. I had to swear on my life I would text and call with any updates on Natalie’s condition.

  So here I am now, days later. The thought she might never come back, running crazy in my fucking mind. I still haven’t told the guys that Natalie tried to kill herself. That she swallowed an exuberant amount of pills. I’m not sure if I want to tell Ryan at all.

  What if he had a part in causing this?

  Layla’s isn’t aware, but I am having a tough fucking time of it, to find the strength to hold her up on her two feet. On top of that, I have another four men using my newfound nonexistent strength, holding their heavy asses up too.

  I have been struggling the past forty eight hours, digging within myself to find a small ounce of hope to share with everyone. Last night I begged Layla to sleep on the idea of giving up. I wanted to scream at her that she shouldn’t even be considering letting go.

  That a best friend, wouldn’t just give the fuck up. But I knew if I reacted like that, all hell would break loose. She would probably kick me out of her apartment. Then how would I know how Natalie was? Would Layla tell me if she decided to let go?

  I drove her car to the hospital this morning. I didn’t want to ask what her decision was. I really didn’t want to know, and at the moment I had my phone on silent because it was currently being blown up. I told the guys about what the doctor had suggested.

  Ryan was like a tiger in a cage, his only habitat ever being wilderness. It was hell holding him back from storming into that hospital. From calling every lawyer on his speed dial. Ready to fight Layla if she made a decision he didn’t agree with. Stopping life support was a decision he most assuredly did not agree with. I took the lead directing us to Natalie’s room.

  I didn’t want right now. Today. To be the last time I saw her beautiful angelic face. Our bond that we had. That we have is stronger than any I have ever known with another.

  She’s my shade in the sun, preventing me from getting burned and my newspaper in the rain, shielding me from getting drenched. She’s the brightest star in the galaxy of fucking millions lighting up my dark sky. And if she is to make it one more day. One more fucking day. Then I won’t let it go to waste. I will make sure she knows every fucking day how much she means to me. Entering Natalie’s door I come to a sudden and complete halt.

  She’s awake. Princess is fucking awake.

  Chapter 6

  Natalie

  Seeing Liam look so grateful and relieved took my breath away. I caused him copious amounts of pain as well as Layla. I really don’t know if I want to tell them why I did what I did. Showing both of them how truly fucked up in the head I am. I just don’t think they would look at me the same after. For them to know that my soul is constantly weeping pain over a loss.

  Or that I fell for Ryan. I never said no. I wanted it. That I let him in all the while knowing, I would never let him get any farther than that one night, if I knew he would go on to another just hours after he and I were finished. And if I have my way, I won’t have to be within a fifty mile radius of him ever again.

  “Thank God. We didn’t know if you would wake up. Natalie we have been so worried. How long have you been awake? Have any doctors seen you? Do you need anything?” Layla speaks first.

  Nervously rambling. I wonder if she’s going to bring up the obvious. That I tried to end my life. If she’s going to just go on pretending, it didn’t happen.

  “I’m fine Lal. A nurse came in obviously, hence the no mask on my face thing. The nurse told me the doctor would be in when he got back from his call. And I could use a drink.” I whisper slightly louder than I was earlier.

  Guessing that hearing my voice made it real for her. Real that I was awake. She shoved Liam out of her way and ran to my bed, crushing me into a hug. Then the tears came. Not slowly, but a huge, loud outburst, the sound ricocheting off the walls; hyperventilating cries cracking her throat, resulting in misconstrued words, so I couldn’t make them out. Her mascara running down her cheekbones. I held her close to me the entire time, letting her cry her pain out.

  I owed it to her.

  I’m surprised she wasn’t beating on my chest as she held me close, begging me not to put her in a situation like this again. I let my tears of guilt fall slowly. Every now and again, I would discreetly wipe them from my face. I wasn’t deserving of this feeling. The feelings I had put her through. I didn’t deserve a friend like her. Or Liam.

  When all was said and done, after Layla had cried her entire heart out, she stood up, gave me a small smile while saying “Everything’s going to be all right Nat. We’re here for you.”

  If that didn’t break my heart in two. She walked away taking the little paper cup I had drunk from earlier now empty. While Layla was filling my cup, Liam walked closer to my bed.

  “May I?” He says, slicing his hand through the air directing his fingers to the empty space on the bed next to me. He was asking permission to sit next to me.

  “Of course.”

  Besides Layla, he was the closest friend I currently had. He and I never needed words. It was like we have known each other for years. Possibly other lives. Like it was destiny that he and I have formed a bond. I don’t know his story, and I assume it’s a very long one full of much demons and baggage. The day he is willing to share, is the day I will be willing to listen. God knows I am not ready to share my story with him either.

  I scoot my butt over a little allowing more room for Liam to join me. He slides in next to me wrapping one hand behind my back, pulling me closer into him. My face cocooned into the dip of his shoulder where his neck meets my nose. I inhale his cologne. He smells of home. Sunshine and grass. Cinnamon and musk. My home.

  He lays his head upon mine and kisses the top of my head. “I just needed to hold you. I needed to feel you Nat. Please don’t do that to me again. Promise me, because if you do something like this again, I won’t be strong enough to make it. I’m just not strong enough.” He pauses. “Please Nat, don’t.”

  His words cause me to suck in an unneeded breath, and my heart fills with despair. I could hear in his voice, the pain weaved and laced through every word. As much as I don’t want to make the promise I am about to make, because the one thing I do know about myself, is that I don’t break promises, I make it anyway. Knowing that no matter what shit storm life throws at me, I now have to wade through the water of it.

  “I promise. I won’t do that to you or Layla again. I promise.” If possible, he squeezed me even tighter.

  “I missed you. Four days is way too long to not hear your beautiful voice. The guys miss you too.”

  I tense. How do I tell him that I want nothing to do with his best friend? I decide right now is neither the time nor place to discuss this. Especially in front of Layla, who is now bringing me another cup of much needed water.

  The rest of the day remains pretty quiet. Layla remains in denial of why I am here in the first place, and Liam has been starring all day as if I’m not really here. My stomach starts rumbling loudly. Liam takes it as a hint, and volunteers to go grab us some lunch from Subway down the street. I’m starving so I agree immediately. Layla opts to stay with me, so I’m not alone. I also think it’s in case I relapse into a coma. She’s scared, and I have given her no reason not to be.

  As soon as Liam exits the room, a doctor walks in. He’s in his early fifties, I am guessing. Short brown hair in a fade graying at the temples. His face holds character; his eyes, crowing at the corners and laugh lines permanently etched into his cheeks, now wrinkles.

  He’s wearing a white lab coat and blue scrubs. He seems friendly. He shakes Layla’s hand, introducing himself as Dr. Reed. Apparently she has
never met him. He then approaches me and again introduces himself.

  “I scanned your chart before I came in. This hospital isn’t usually one of my stops being that it’s far from home, but I had a friend call in a favor. He seems to care a lot about you. Being that he’s a friend I couldn’t say no to him, and not stop in and look over your case.” He tells me.

  I don’t think I have to guess twice who could have placed that telephone call. Of course Liam would use his status to call a specialist in.

  “I feel pretty fine besides the slight headache and sore throat, and being hungry. I would say that I am okay. There wasn’t a need to come all this way. I’m sure your friend was overwrought with anxiety.” I say dismissing him.

  “How about you do me a small favor and humor me? I want to assure myself that you are all right medically, that you’re in great physical health. Cases like this are usually very bad. You are lucky you woke up at all, Miss Wright. If your friend hadn’t reached you when she did, you wouldn’t be here talking to me right now. So please just let me run a few tests, so I know that you are okay.” He pleads.

  “Fine. A few tests then you can go on back home.” I give in.

  “Why don’t you lay back down on the bed for me please?” He asks.

  Begrudgingly I lay back down on the bed. He starts poking and prodding. Asking me if I can feel a touch here and there. He shines a light into my eyes to check the dilation in my pupils. He asks me to open my mouth, to check that the tube that was placed in my throat for four days didn’t harm anything. It’s over pretty quickly.

  “You can sit up now, Miss Wright. I just want to run a MRI and maybe a few other tests depending on the results.”

  This makes me a little nervous. “Why? Is everything all right? Do you think that I seriously harmed myself?”

  “I can’t be sure. This is all precautionary. I would rather know one hundred percent that you are okay before we discharge you. I am also going to suggest you seek some sort of counseling. For you to have done something like this, you must have a lot going on in that head of yours. Talk to someone. Figure it out. I would rather you not go through this again. Next time you may not be so lucky.” He says implying that he cares what happens to me.

  “Don’t worry Dr. Reed, I won’t be making that mistake again. I can also see what I did was selfish. There are people who would be deeply affected by my actions. I might seek someone out when I am released.” I say to satisfy him.

  “Alright. I’ll check on you before I leave the hospital. I’m going to go order those tests. Your nurse should be in soon. She will bring you for them. Again just remember to go see a counselor, it could be a great benefit to you.”

  He smiles then politely excuses himself. Phew! I blow the air out of my lungs on a huff. In relief that so far there isn’t anything wrong, that they can tell yet. The nurse from earlier knocks on my door and enters.

  “Hey Hun, I’m going to be taking ya to get an MRI. Hopefully after the results come back affirmative that you’re healthy, we won’t have to put you through any more tests.”

  I look to Layla. I wanted to discuss what happened with her. She deserves to know why I did what I did. Why I wanted to end my life so badly. I just don’t want her to give up on me. After years of her trying to help me, trying push me out of my shell, I pay her back by showing her I don’t value my life at all. I need to make everything okay between her and I.

  “Layla, you’ll be here when I get back right?” I ask confirming that she’s not going to leave.

  I’m fearful that she only checked on me to make sure I was alive. Now that she knows I should be fine, she might leave.

  “Of course Nat. I’m not going anywhere girl. You would have to send over one thousand bees after me to leave your side.”

  How could I have doubted her? She’s always been there. Insecurity isn’t a valuable friend. It could break the fuck out of you, make you question every person that surrounds you. Whether they have the best in mind for you, but you will never believe it. Until it’s too late. When you believe that, that person is ready to take flight from your life, that’s when you finally find the truth inside of yourself.

  I seriously hate feeling insecure.

  “Are ya ready Hun? Do you want me to make sure your gown is closed tight? It’s faster if we walk there and you’ve been in bed for four days, your legs need the movement. We don’t want to give anyone a show though.” My nurse says thoughtfully.

  “Please do. I don’t want anyone seeing what’s underneath.”

  I stand up with her help to allow her to tie the back of my gown up tight and secure. Once she’s satisfied that no one will see an inch of skin, she glides this tall pole next to me.

  “This is your IV stand, you see it has wheels so you can move it around with you. You’re going to need fluids for a little bit longer. It is much easier to slowly put solids back into your diet Hun. If we rushed, you would end up with an upset stomach. So wrap your hand around this pole. It can help you with walking. Use it for support, a cane if ya will.”

  I slowly grab onto the pole and let go of her shoulder, I didn’t realize I was clutching tightly.

  “I’ll see you in a few Lals.” I say, smiling over at her, showing her that I still have a small amount of hope left inside of me.

  “I’ll see ya in a few. I’ll have Liam save you some food, in case you feel up to eating when you get back, if your nurse there will allow it.”

  “Love you.”

  “Love ya too.” Layla says, her eyes watering.

  I know the reality of the situation I put us in is hitting her, roughly. I also know there isn’t anything I can do to change what I did. What’s done is done. But I am going to fix this, fix us. Our friendship is the only thing I have good in my life, beside Liam. Besides music.

  Maybe I am too dependent on that, on what we have. But it’s the only thing that has kept me going this far. And look where it got me. In a hospital room being told I am lucky I am alive.

  “Ready to go get these tests done?” The friendly nurse asks.

  “Yeah, let’s go.” I reply. She walks, taking the lead, directing me where I have to go. I walk slowly, using the IV pole like a support. My legs feel like jello. Unstable. I know it’s just a side effect from lying down in the bed for a few days, and the self-destruction I put myself through. It’s aggravating though, to not have enough strength to walk without anything helping me.

  It makes me feel helpless, disabled even. The nurse leads me into a room with a gigantic rectangular box, with a large circle in the middle. A bed is pulled out, which I presume is where I’m to lay, and it puts me inside of this space zone equipment.

  “Here Hun take my hand.” The nurse says aloud.

  Distracting me from my thoughts becoming crazy about claustrophobia, I let go of the IV pole and use her hand as support to climb up onto the bed.

  “Now this bed is going to slide you into the tunnel. Usually we look at just one area for a certain injury, but because you could have an injury anywhere, we have to examine your entire body. This is going to take a little longer than normal Hun. If at any time, you don’t think you can continue, just say the word. We will be able to hear you. Also please try to stay still as possible, as any kind of movement could distort the images we will see. Any questions?”

  I shake my head no in response. It’s a pretty simple concept. Don’t move and only speak if I can’t stand being in there any longer. She pushes some button and the bed starts moving slowly. It’s a crystalline white tunnel. I close my eyes in hopes that maybe I will be able to nap while in here.

  **********

  Sometime later I’m awoken by Sally. She kindly helps me sit up, and I notice next to the bed, she brought a wheelchair in. I grimace just looking at it. It’s one thing to accept offered help, it’s another to have all of your energy drained from you and require assistance of that sort.

  I am ashamed. Ashamed of myself. Of how I have lived my life for the past five
years. Of how low I stooped, because I didn’t have confidence in my inner strength. I didn’t love myself enough.

  That wheelchair, it’s a sign. I am not that weak. I cannot let someone allow me to feel like I am not good enough. I can’t let what happened to my parents years ago, define who I am. I can’t live in the past, and its well time that I have healed and became the person they would have wanted me to be. Someone for them to be proud of.

  Chapter 7

  Layla

  Medical tests make me nervous. She’s awake. Alive. Breathing. Talking. Shouldn’t that signify that she is all right? I pace back and forth in Natalie’s hospital room, while wringing my hands together. Thinking of every bad thing that could have gone wrong because of an overdose.

  Besides the coma she awoke from, she could suffer organ failure, but I think that there would have been signs of that by now. I don’t think any of that will be an issue with Nat’s recovery.

  Liam walks in, food in hand. I stop pacing. If I worry, he worries. If he worries, I worry. We unquestionably don’t make a good combination.

  “I saw you pacing. Stop thinking about it. She’s awake, that’s what matters. With whatever happens now, at least we know she will make it through. She has us, and you know we won’t let her give up.” Liam says, trying to reassure me.

  “I know, I know. It’s just that with the past few days. I just. I…can’t seem to believe that it is real, ya know? She’s actually awake. I thought when we came in here today it would be the same as yesterday. Her still unresponsive in a coma. I just can’t stop thinking about what would have happened if she didn’t wake up. Or if she does have serious health issues because of what she did. I can’t lose her.”

  He throws the bag of food down on the hospital bed and rushes to me. He pulls me in and surrounds me with his arms. It’s comforting. I know he is the only other person who would grieve, other than my parents if we had lost her. If we do lose her, he’s the only one who would show up.