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  I enter the apartment throwing my car keys down on the kitchen counter, too lazy to attempt at cooking something to eat, I throw ramen in the microwave. While my food is cooking, I decide to go into Natalie’s room. This week has been agony for me. Being without her here in this apartment isn’t the same. It’s lonely without her music jamming loudly at all hours of the day, hell it’s just lonely without her.

  I have probably slept in her room four nights this week. Finding comfort by enfolding myself in her blankets. Our lives were planned to be intertwined long before we were born. Natalie will always be my other half. A part of my being. She has always felt that I was her sanity, her reason to keep moving every day. She’s always voiced her opinion on that.

  What she doesn’t know is that I feel an overbearing guilt at what my father did. Accident or no. If my dad had just suggested they call a taxi, her parents would still be here. She wouldn’t be as closed off as she is now. She wouldn’t be severely heartbroken trudging along in life. Sometimes I think she can see through me. See why I do what I do. She puts on the hard shell to her exterior never letting anyone but me in. I do the opposite. I have let people in all the time. But only for a few nights of fun. Those few nights allow me to feel alive again. But I am not deserving of feeling alive.

  So when the guilt makes its way in, slowly creeping along my soul. That’s when I kick them out of my bed. To be honest, they don’t deserve it either. If I let someone in, and let them know how much I ache for Natalie, how much hate and disgust I have for my parents, Or how much these thoughts consume me, they would only look at me with indifference. No one could or would ever understand.

  I open her bedroom door and straight away notice she’s laying in her bed.

  What the fuck?

  Why is she here in her room?

  She should be on a tour bus right now. How the hell did she get here?

  I walk over to her bed and start shaking her awake. She doesn’t respond. I shake her again, this time a little harder.

  “Nat!” I yell out.

  “Natalie!”

  Her not responding to me has my stomaching overturning. To set my mind at rest, I lay my head on her chest, just to hear her heartbeat. It’s beating, slowly. I start screaming her name out loud. Hoping, no praying that she will answer me or make some kind of movement. Her face is abnormally pale

  I jump off the bed and yank my cellphone out of my pocket, furiously dialing 911. Natalie what did you do? The dispatcher answers the call. Rushing the words out I tell her my friend is laying in her bed, not responding to anything I do and that her heart is barely beating. She tells me she’s sending an ambulance. That everything will be all right.

  Right now I am having a very hard time accepting that everything will be okay. I have never seen Natalie like this.

  What happened?

  As the dispatcher is still on the phone, she directs me to check Nat’s pulse. To keep checking it to make sure she hasn’t stopped breathing altogether. Sitting on the bed beside Natalie’s body with my thumb on her wrist, I glance at her nightstand and notice a piece of paper sitting there.

  A letter. Addressed to me. Oh Natalie. She did this on purpose.

  An excerpt from Find Me: Rock Romance #3

  Chapter 1

  Liam

  The Queen, as I have now dubbed her, had her Princess last night. I think the last time that I can remember seeing Ryan this happy, was the day that we got signed. Temperance, a beautiful name and fitting for one so innocent and small. She is the spitting image of her mother, only she has Ryan’s blue eyes.

  Before Layla and I left last night, we got to hold her for a bit. I was nervous as hell, because I never once had a chance to hold such a tiny baby. Thought I would drop her, but with Natalie’s urging and confidence, I picked her up. I cuddled her to my chest and held on tightly.

  We stayed for a few hours, all the while I was inconsiderately selfish with Temp, not even wanting her own parents to hold her. The Queen and I shared a bond. I don’t know why, or even how, but we did, and that bond carried on to her newly born child. I was jealous that Ryan got to be with her and have a family.

  I wanted what he had.

  I wanted to take care of her.

  Forever.

  My body, my emotions, owned her and she me. But when it came time to leave, I kissed Temperance on the forehead and laid her in her father’s arms and walked away. I gulped in the stale air around me, swallowing my emotions. I hid my inner turmoil of jealousy well. But not well enough.

  “We’re going to let you both get some rest, we’ll come visit in the morning.” I say, glancing between Ryan and Natalie, who are snuggled together on the hospital bed with Temperance laying on Natalie’s chest. I take a step closer to them, almost begging for the punishment of having to feel the emotions of longing and loneliness taking over my heart.

  I am my own worst enemy.

  I take another step closer to Natalie’s side. I look down at the beautiful baby girl and then back into her mother’s eyes. “You did well. Queen.” I whisper. Then place a chaste kiss upon her cheek. I stand upright and notice Ryan giving me a furiously questioning stare, but I ignore him and his unspoken questions. Questions that I don’t want to answer. I turn around and walk away.

  Natalie doesn’t know it yet, but seeing her and Ryan laid together as a family upon that bed made the decision for me. To cut this bond and walk away. I can be her friend, but not her best friend. I can’t be that close. It wouldn’t be fair to Ryan, I, or her, and especially not Princess.

  I make it back to the waiting room, when I am confronted by the guys. Gage, Jason, and Zepp all stand up to greet me. I had called them as soon as Ryan had called me, to let them know that the baby was coming. I suggested they wait until the morning to visit. Thankful that they had not listened.

  I don’t want to have this conversation right now. All I want to do is get in my car and drive back to what used to be Layla and Natalie’s apartment, but is now mine and Layla’s apartment. When Natalie moved in with Ryan, I took her old room out of convenience. Layla didn’t need a roommate to help with bills, but I couldn’t let her live alone and if I were to be honest with myself, I wanted- no needed something to hold onto of Natalie’s at the time.

  We have canceled the tour until later next year and Ryan installed a studio in the basement of his house, so we could all conveniently work out of his house and I refused to room there as the other guys did. I knew I didn’t want to put any roots down in Boston. As much as my heart yearned to be close to Natalie, I knew that there would come a time that I had to cut myself off from her due to my having an interest that’s more than friendly. I just didn’t think it would have been so soon. That it would have had to be now.

  “Well aren’t you going to tell us how she’s doing?” Gage interrupts my thoughts.

  I hesitate. I would rather be anywhere else at this moment. These guys have the power to read right through me. I can try to hide my emotions all I want, but they will always see right through it. Effortlessly.

  What am I supposed to say? “She’s beautiful, the baby I mean.” I stumble with my words. “She looks just like her mother, they’re still exhausted, but I’m sure if you guys were to peek in for a few minutes, they wouldn’t care.” I walk away awkwardly, unsure of what else to say. I don’t want their questions, and they are one hell of a nosy bunch.

  I exit the waiting room and make my way to my car, when Layla starts talking. I forgot that she was with me or that I was her ride.

  “What is your problem?” She asks.

  “Nothing. I’m fine. Maybe tired.” I reply dismissively, while getting in the car.

  She lets out a sigh, exasperated with my short answers. Since I started staying with her and Natalie, she has done nothing but give me hassle about my feelings for Nat. I tried like hell to tame my shit down toward Nat. I always knew that she belonged to Ryan, much to my regret.

  But I couldn’t help how I felt. I tried an
d tried. The more time I spent with her, trying to help her heal, watching over her, the more my feelings grew. The pregnancy was just fuel added to the flame on the torch I had already begun carrying for her. I knew she wasn’t ready and even though it made me a shit ass best friend to Ryan, I could not help it. As the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants.

  An excerpt fromForever, Hold On: Rock Romance #5

  Chapter One

  Jason

  “Welcome to our humble abode.” I say while unlocking the door to our house. Gage, Zepp and I bought a house together, just outside of Los Angeles years ago, when we each got our share of the sign-on check our label paid us. About an hour drive from Ryan’s condo on the beach. Thanks to Ryan and Abby, we were allowed a two week break during the tour. Natalie having Temperance is what gave us favor to receive two weeks off. We all decided to head back to California for the break. It helped that we were all in the same area when the break ended, and Ryan had some affairs to put in order, so California was ideal.

  I figured I would see my family while we were here, along with Zepp’s and Gage would continue working on his newfound relationship with Abby. She’s staying with us during the duration of our mini vacation.

  “Your home is beautiful.” Abagail says, leaving her jaw slack, causing her mouth to hold open on the last word.

  She’s in awe. I’ll have to admit it is pretty nice, for a bachelors pad. We all agreed that it was the one, when we first viewed it. We had looked at a few other houses before this one, but none of them came up to par, as this one did.

  “How many bedrooms are in this place?” Abby asks.

  “Six. Three are guest rooms.” Gage answers for me.

  “Why so many bedrooms? There’s only three of you.” she questions.

  “Abagail, when we’re home, people stay over often. It’s convenient to have an extra bed for the person to sleep in. Or in my case, maybe the person you plan on sleeping with is only around for the one night. You don’t want to take her back to your own bed. The guest rooms work out perfectly.” I explain.

  “Oh.” she says while glaring at Gage.

  “Gage never uses the rooms, in case you’re wondering.” I interject before she says something she could come to regret, in defense of Gage.

  “Let me give you a tour, ending with my room.” Gage says to her sweetly.

  The pang of jealousy hits me. Not jealousy because I have a thing for Abagail, because I don’t. Jealousy as in Gage has finally found that happiness.

  Happiness that I’ve been looking for, happiness that has seemed to escape me, and that I don’t believe I’ll ever find. I’ve tried lowering my expectations. I’ve long since faced the reality that I won’t ever find love like my parents have, true soul completing love. Love that Gage, Liam, and Ryan have found.

  When women look at me, it’s not with pure intentions of true love and lifelong happiness. It’s instant-love, unreal and deranged, eyes filled with lust for rock stars. It has nothing to do with me, but who I am. Something each one of us in Steele’s Army has dealt with. We’ve all ridden the fence of crazy, causing mistrust and misguidance, when it comes to finding what we long for.

  Love and happiness, to replace the loneliness of a cold bed and an empty heart.

  Abagail and Gage make their way back to me, before ending the tour in their bedroom. “I was thinking that maybe I would call my friends and invite them out for a week. If that’s okay with you and Zepp. Gage already said he had no problem with it.” Abagail says to me.

  I mind if she has friends over as much as I mind the guys having people over, not at all.

  “No problems here, and I doubt Zepp would mind either. Make the call. I’ll book them flights if you’d like, just get me their information.”

  “Are you sure? You would do that for me?” she asks, smiling.

  “Of course.” She flings her arms around me and pulls me in for a hug.

  What’s with these girls and their touching? Natalie, Layla, and now Abagail too. As soon as they fall in love, it’s like they become emotional basket cases when it comes to touching. Angry, sad, joyous, excited, they immediately touch to express what they’re feeling and their partner’s don’t seem to mind it either. I would rather Gage get upset, maybe jealous over it, to prevent the touching.

  But it seems as if he encourages it. He knows that I have boundaries with anyone touching me and he enjoys my uneasiness when it comes to another’s hand on my body, innocent or not.

  Asshole.

  I give him a knowing glare, that I’m aware he enjoys this shit. He winks at me. I slowly pry Abagail’s hands off me, “Not a problem. Like I said, just get me the information and I’ll book it.”

  “I’ll call Selena now. Thank you.” she says, smiling.

  I make my escape into the kitchen.

  It’s not that I’ve had some tragic thing happen in my past with touching, no one’s abused me or anything. It’s that because of what I do, what we do as a profession, everyone always feels like they have a right to reach out and grab me. Pull me in for a hug, kiss my face, often grabbing my ass. If they were to ask me for a hug, I wouldn’t have such an issue with it. Then I would know to expect the touching. Instead, it’s forced upon me and I don’t like it.

  “I got ahold of Selena, she’s going to call Raven and they’ll fly out as soon as you can get them an available flight.” Selena informs me.

  I’m sprawled out on the chase that’s part of the large black sectional we have in our living room, one foot dangling off the edge and my laptop laying above me. “I was just searching flights, I can get them a red-eye today if that’s what you want. I mean if you think they can pack fast enough, I can even have a car pick them up and drive them to the airport to save time.”

  “Really Jason? That’s so sweet of you, they’ll be fine with whatever you can get. I’ll make sure of that.”

  “All right then. I’ll call the airline to book it, even get them in first class. It’ll make for an easier flight.”

  “Thank you, normally they would drive out wherever I was if they could. Shows or stops I’d make that weren’t far away, they’d join me at. I can’t thank you enough.” she says while I sit my laptop to my side and pull my cellphone out to make the call.

  “As long as Gage is happy, that’s enough thanks. I couldn’t repay you, for being that for him.”

  “You’ll find your happiness to Jason, it could be sooner than you think, but it will happen. You’re too good of a catch for it not to.”

  “Yeah, yeah, enough of this emotional stuff you’re wearing me out.” I tell her.

  “Fine. I’ll let you call and arrange the tickets, let me know so I can call Selena back with the information.”

  “Will do Abby.”

  An excerpt fromLetting Go: Rock Romance #6

  Chapter One

  Zepp

  Blinded by the sun, I place my hand on my forehead blocking the bright rays shining into my eyes so I can see her, Rush, my sister. My parents were born in the early sixties, teens by the seventies and shared a passion for rock music, ironically meeting at a concert and falling in love.

  As you can tell, so the story goes, that when I was conceived many, many years later in the nineties that’s what my parents were still listening to. Embarrassingly so they once told me of how my name came to be Zeppelin, after Led Zeppelin. Stairway to heaven was playing in the background on the night I was most likely conceived, and Tom Sawyer on the night Rush was most likely conceived.

  They weren’t creative, they could have chosen a band member to name us after, but no, they chose the entire band.

  Rush is four years younger than I, at only eight. We’re on a family vacation in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Choosing to stay in bed a little longer, my parents gave Rush and I permission to walk along the ocean, located behind our hotel. It’s not even noon and the humidity has hit its peak, and the ocean is packed with beach goers.

  “Zepp, I want to go swim
ming.” Rush comes running up to me shouting with excitement.

  “Mom said we couldn’t, remember that’s the only reason they let us come down. We have to wait until they’re with us.”

  “Oh, come on don’t spoil all the fun, just a quick dip. It’s hot and I’m starting to sweat, I won’t tell. I promise, pinky promise.” She holds her pinky out to mine and pouts.

  She knows I’m a sucker for the pouty face. I’m the big brother, always protecting and spoiling.

  “Fine, but only for a few minutes, that way we can dry before going back upstairs.”

  “Yes!” she shouts while kicking her sandals off.

  I find a place to throw my shirt on the sand where no one else will be walking over it. Rush adds her clothes too and soon we’re bathing in cold ocean water.

  “We can’t go out that far. Don’t let the water go past your knees, Rush.”

  What was supposed to be only a few minutes turns into longer, maybe an hour. We take turns running away from the wave’s right onto the sand of the beach, seeing who could outrun the waves the best.

  Eventually she cons me into letting her bury me beneath the sand, we borrow another kid’s shovel and she starts to dig. I use my hands to help make a shallow hole, big enough for my body to be buried in.

  “Okay, help me get out of here.”

  “Nope. Get out of it yourself.” Rush walks away, close to the edge of the ocean allowing the water to pool at her feet. I yell to her, “Rush, help me out of this.” She turns toward me and laughs, the quickly runs away.

  I try twisting my arms and kicking my feet in the sand that’s currently holding me hostage, and not wanting to budge. I squint my eyes and search for Rush to no avail. With the mass of people playing in the water, I can’t find her.

  A kid walks by me and I ask for help. As he digs me out, the dirt becomes loose enough for me to move my limbs around and free myself. That’s when I hear it.

  A loud and aching cry from a woman. “Help! Help! She’s drowning!”