Melody of Us Page 8
She’s always come out above water, barely, but she sees it optimistically. She always claims, at least she’s breathing.
She’s positive and everything I’ll never be.
I can tell that she’s sincerely sad, she doesn’t want me to leave her all alone, but she also wants me to go and is happy that I’ve been given this chance because that’s just who she is.
“Stay the night at my house tonight?” I ask her, needing her to say yes so that she’s there when I tell my parents and then she and I can spend every moment before I have to go to the airport together.
“I’ll stay. Let me pack a bag and I’ll meet you at yours.”
It’s her way of asking for space. She could pack her bag with me here right now, but she needs a moment to process. Needs to collect herself before she comes over to my house knowing that we have only tonight before I leave to go on tour for God knows how long. I looked the tour up online and I saw that they’ve been adding dates every week, so if all goes well it could extend to being a six month road trip or longer.
Six months of not seeing Lyrik. My stomach drops.
Lyrik
Deep breaths, that’s what I keep telling myself. It’s how I’ll get through tonight and tomorrow morning when I say goodbye to my best friend. The one that I admire and love and need desperately.
We’re at a restaurant, The Diner, because there aren’t a lot of choice in our small town unless you want to take a thirty minute drive and let’s be honest, this dinner isn’t an important one. It’s not a date, or a graduation, marriage proposal, this isn’t worthy of that drive. Not to Anson.
No, this is where his parents flip their shit, but hold it in. Their anger will come out in harsh whispers because God forbid someone hears about Anson dropping out of college and hitting the road for a career that isn’t guaranteed.
His parents will act as if they’re embarrassed and ashamed, which they might be a tiny bit. More so they’ll be pissed that he isn’t following their plan. He isn’t getting the degree that they want. The job that they chose. The career that they paved the way for with their money.
He’s making his own decision, finally. Choosing his own job, his own career with his own money. Not theirs.
And that’s what will piss them off even more.
So here I sit, stuffing my face with my food so that I’m not asked to speak. I’m sure that his parents are aware of how I moon over their son, and if not they know at the very least Anson and I are very close. They’ll try to use me to convince him to stay.
I won’t.
Then they’ll try to use their money.
But it won’t work.
Nothing will.
One day, they’ll learn to go away with the tide.
Because, like the tide rolling in and out, you can’t control it.
No one can.
It has a mind of its own.
Just like Anson has a mind of his own.
He’s my tide.
He’s their tide and he’s rolling away.
We have to let him, or else if we don’t he might not come back.
So, I make sure that my mouth is stuffed at all times while they guess why Anson brought them out to dinner.
Doesn’t take long for Anson to get over their guesses so he just spits it out.
“Mom...Dad… I’m leaving.”
“What do you mean you’re leaving?” His dad barks out.
Anson’s Mom brushes her husband’s shoulder, she shushes him.
Got to be careful with that reputation and all.
“I’m leaving college. I’m leaving here. I’m going on tour. My idols are headlining this cross-country tour and they asked me to come. I already said yes. My flight to L.A. is booked, I leave tomorrow morning.”
His parents proceed to get pissed. They try bartering with him, they’ll buy him a house, a new car. Then they come at me. I shake my head no and keep on stuffing creamy alfredo noodles into my yap.
I am just here for silent moral support.
Anson’s anchor so that he doesn’t roll out with the tide until he wants to. Until tomorrow morning.
Anson
“Well, that went well.”
“Is that a statement or a question? Because I think that went like shit. They’re pissed. Will probably stay that way until you come back, they’ll convince themselves that you’re done playing with your guitar and ready to settle down for a “real job” then you’ll leave again because you’ve hit it big and they’ll be all pissed again. But yeah, it went well.”
Anson wraps his arms around me and squeezes me.
I inhale his scent because I don’t want to forget it. I want his scent with me wherever I go.
“Let’s get to bed, okay? It’s late and my flight leaves at seven.” He whispers in my ear, his lips lingering on my neck.
Deep breaths.
“Yeah,” I sigh.
I strip out of my shirt, leaving me in my tank top. I grab a pair of his shorts and change in his bedroom bathroom before meeting his already undressed body in his bed.
“Can I hold you?” He asks me.
Of course you can hold me, all the time. I want to say, but I know he’d balk at the idea and I’d end up being the embarrassed and regretful one.
That one time we had sex, was the only time we’d ever do anything intimate like that.
I hadn’t done it since and I can’t speak for him, but I’m betting he didn’t stay celibate after me. Single girls, hell some taken too flock to him around here. He’s the untouchable and unstoppable one that they all want.
Which is why I’m well hated.
“I guess,” I joke. Not wanting him to guess at how badly I want his arms wrapped around me.
I roll away from him, he scoots himself so that his chest meets my back. Each square inch of him meets every square inch of me.
It’s my heaven and my hell.
He is my heaven and my hell all at the same time.
Love and hate.
Love him and hate that he doesn’t love me.
But I allow this. Because I’m desperate and in love and lonely. I’ll take whatever he gives me without demanding more.
He wraps his arm around me and the other underneath my pillow so that his hand meets mine. He intertwines his fingers in mine and we fall asleep.
Well I fall asleep.
I dream of him and me. I dream of my happiness. Of what I want.
And when I wake he’s already gone.
He’s gone.
But he’s left a letter on his cold pillow.
Dear Lyrik,
Its early, I didn’t want to wake you. By the way you were snoring and maybe even drooling on my pillow. Not cool. Anyway, you looked so peaceful that I couldn’t wake you up just to give you a hug. I thought it might be best that our goodbye was last night when I held you in my arms and we fell asleep. I couldn’t leave if I saw any tears in your eyes, even if you told me to. I love you Lyk. I always will. I’m only leaving so that we may one day have a better life. I’ll take you everywhere with me when I can. If you want to. I promise you I’ll make it. I’m going to show them that they chose right when they chose me. I know we can’t write letters because well, I won’t have a mailing address, but I made an email address just to write you. It won’t be used for anything else. You better make one too. I’ll write it down at the end of this. When you make yours send me an email, I’ll reply as soon as I can. When you wake up I’ll probably be in the air and as soon as I land I’ll be picked up and dropped off to get on a tour bus with six other dudes. I have to go now. I miss you already.
See you soon.
Love you, forever,
Anson
June 25th 2012
Age: Twenty
Anson
My dearest Lyrik,
I miss you so much. The last year has felt like a lifetime. I’m sorry I can’t e-mail as often as I used to and that I haven’t been home yet. Things are going good though, a label wants to si
gn me and they’re willing to make an album with me, send me on tour and they’re offering money. I have to take it. With their help, I can be noticed and more people will listen to my songs. I was even offered to headline my own tour once my first album releases. I’m sure you’re reading the magazines and searching for any news concerning me so you probably know already. I hope you don’t though. I wanted to tell you first. Wanted to tell you that I made it.
This time away from you has been a sacrifice, one that’s finally paying us back. You should be done with school soon and I’ll be on the road. I’ll buy you a house and pay off your school loans and we’ll be okay.
My parents will be pissed. They still think this is a phase, that I’ll walk away from music and come home. Joke’s on them.
Anyway, I have to go. Another stop.
I just wanted to tell you the good news.
Love you,
Anson
Lyrik
Anson,
I miss you too. That’s great news! You’re finally getting everything you wanted. And you’re the first to tell me. With school and working I haven’t had time to read magazines. I’m dead on my feet. You don’t have to pay my bills Anson, I’m doing okay on my own. I appreciate the thought though. When you get the money, go buy yourself a house and anything else you want.
Your parents can deal. Don’t let what they say affect you.
Be you.
I hope I get to see you soon. It’s been too long. I miss my best friend.
Love you back,
Lyrik
October 1st 2012
Anson
Lyrik,
Baby, I’m coming home!! Request days off, do your coursework. Whatever you have to do that will guarantee forty-eight hours of your undivided attention. I’ll be home in about two weeks. My checks have been cashed and they’re in the bank. I’ve already called a local realtor to set up some house viewings. I want you to go with me.
Love ya,
Anson
P.S. Can I crash at your place?
P.S.S. I’ll bring you the very first copy of my album if you say yes.
Lyrik
He’s coming home. Days later he’s finally coming home. I miss him so much. The last year has been nothing but heartbreak and longing for him. He was supposed to come home after six months but then six turned into nine then eleven and it’s just gone on and on. I was beginning to doubt if he’d ever come back to this small town.
Maybe he’d forgotten about me. Or maybe he didn’t, but I was no longer a priority in his life. He once suggested that I make some friends, once he left I tried.
It just doesn’t work. It’s not the same. Everyone wants to run away from this town and I want to stay. They only want to friend the people who are going places.
That isn’t me.
I’ll be here forever.
Not because I don’t have larger than life dreams, I do. I want to move up in the medical field when I can. Becoming a nurse is my start, but it costs money to receive the education. I can only get so many grants or scholarships and loans to begin my career. They pay for the entry level position, not graduate college.
They don’t help with my rent, food, heat. I have to then have a job on top of school to pay for those things. That being said, even if I were to become an actual doctor, the cost to get there would be so high I’d spend the rest of my life drowning in bills that I’d never be able to pay off.
People know this.
People know that I’m stuck here.
Anson would offer an easy out, he’s like that. But I don’t want to take anyone’s charity, if I’m ever able to get out, it will be on my own terms. I’ll do it for myself.
I have my pride and dignity.
Anyone can strip me of any other qualities but those will never be stolen.
At least I’ll get an entire weekend with Anson before he has to leave again.
I sit down at my desk to reply to his email.
Anson,
Done and done. I’ll be yours for the weekend and yes of course you can crash here. It’s nothing special, but I do promise it’s better than the tour bus you’ve been on. I better get your first album.
Love you,
Lyrik
October 12th 2012
Anson
I’m nervous and I shouldn’t be. She’s my best friend. I’ve known her for more than two thirds of my life. I’ve kissed her bruises, defended her, held her hand, hugged her when she was crying and took her virginity. Nerves should be long gone after all of that.
Yet here I am, waiting for her at the airport tensely. I’ve never gone this long without seeing her face. Sure, we FaceTime, but it’s not the same as seeing her face in real life.
It’s not the same as feeling her hand in mine.
Not the same as hearing her heart beat harder when I hold her.
It’s not the same as hearing her voice right next to me or smelling her fruity hair.
None of it is the same.
I grab my luggage, one suitcase because I won’t be here long. I opted to keep all my shit on the tour bus, just bringing a change of clothes and Lyrik’s gifts. I step outside the airport and spot my old car.
After I left I told her she could use it, fuck she can have it for good. It’s not new, has over a hundred thousand miles, but it’s reliable and I have to know that she’s in a safe vehicle when I’m not here. She emailed me four different times how she wouldn’t keep it and was just borrowing it until she could buy one.
Well, now I can buy her one.
I can buy her twenty.
When I get close to the beaten down silver Mazda she jumps out of the car and barrels into me.
I squeeze her so hard.
Time stops.
Everything around us just disappears, all I see is her.
I pull back a little, grab her jaw and lift her face to meet mine.
She’s dyed her hair a lighter shade, blonde and brown. Her brown eyes meet mine, her eyes light up as she looks into mine.
Then I do something I shouldn’t. I can’t help it.
I’ve missed her so much, even more than I thought and don’t realize it until this very moment.
I kiss her.
I pour every ounce of longing into this kiss. I give her all of me, all of my lyrics, my notes, our melody.
It’s hers.
I’m hers.
She doesn’t reject me. Instead she grabs at my shirt and pulls me closer. I hold her while I caress my lips against hers. She opens herself, my tongue dips in and pulls out then slides against the seam of her lips. She tastes like birthday cake chap stick, her favorite, and now mine too.
I lose myself in her, I clutch at her back and hold her harder while tasting her lips for as long as she’ll let me.
An hour passes.
Okay, maybe not an entire hour, but it feels like it by the time I come up for air. She pulls away quickly like I had made her forget who she is and where she is.
Fuck, I hope so.
“What was that?” She asks when we both get inside the car.
I can’t tell her that I’m hers. Not yet.
It’s not the right time.
I lie, “Just missed you. Couldn’t help myself is all.”
She smiled as I told her I missed her but then sadness and rejection poured out of her once I lied. She doesn’t know that I lied, she just believes me. She believes that I wouldn’t want her.
Couldn’t want her.
Even though it’s so far from the truth and I hate breaking her heart, hate making her feel like she’s not good enough for me.
I’m not good enough for her, not yet. I have a lot to do before we’ll be ready for us permanently. I can’t stray from the path, it wouldn’t be fair to her if I did.
So, I let her believe my lie, for now.
“Okay,” she mumbles. “Are we going to my apartment or did you want to stop anywhere first?”
“Your apartment would be good. I have to see th
is place of yours, while we’re there I can take a quick shower. Being in an airport all day and on a plane, has me feeling dirty. Need to wash the travel off. Then we have a meeting with the relator at three. She has some houses lined up. If I like any today, I’ll put an offer in and hopefully I’ll become a homeowner.”
“All right. I have some of your clothes too if you wanted to change. I noticed you packed light so I doubt there’s any clothes in there.”
“I’m not here long so I don’t need much. Plus, it’s all your shit in that suitcase minus my jeans and shirt.”
She cringes when I mention that I’m not here long. I need to just shove my foot in my mouth already. This weekend isn’t off to a great start.
“Can’t wait to see what you got me.” She doesn’t comment on the limited time.
Lyrik
This is so awkward and I am trying like hell to not make it that way. The kiss screwed me all up in knots. I shouldn’t have questioned him, on the reason he kissed me. It just made everything worse. I don’t even know how it happened. One moment I’m hugging him the next his lips are all over mine and mine all over his. I needed that kiss.
Badly.
I should’ve pushed him away though, should’ve rejected him like he did to me after. I know he doesn’t mean it, he just missed me and got carried away. He needed intimate contact with me, to confirm I was real. I just wish that his needs didn’t hurt mine.
Or that he needed the same as I do.
But we’re different. We are two complete opposites. He’s from money, he lived a privileged life and doesn’t understand what it’s like to wonder where his next meal will come from. Not that he should know about those horrible things.