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  “Gage, we don’t eat like we have bottomless pits like you, Jason and Zepp do. A couple hundred dollars will pack our cupboards and last us well over a month. With you guys here, it lasts days.”

  He opens the refrigerator and starts thumbing through food, “Do you have anything made already, maybe something I can heat up?”

  “No.”

  “Will you make me something to eat?”

  “Are you being serious right now? Make yourself something. Use the microwave, if you’re afraid of getting burned.”

  “Fine, I’ll just starve.” Gage says dramatically.

  “I don’t understand how God saw fit to give you the body of a man, when you clearly should have been a female, and no not a musician, but an actress.” I tell him, while interceding him in the refrigerator to grab out the carton of eggs and a few slices of cheese and the tub of butter.

  “You’re going to make me food?” He asks smiling.

  “Yes, only so you’ll stop with your dramatics.”

  He seats himself at the island bar, while I fry up some eggs and make some toast. I decided to make something that would only cost me a couple of minutes to cook and a few more for him to eat.

  As I dish the food out on a plate, Gage interrupts me. “Where’s Liam at?”

  “Do I look like his babysitter?” I say harshly.

  “Whoa there, calm down. I was just asking. I wanted to make sure he was still alive after last night.” He replies.

  I leave the conversation hanging there. I stalk to my room and grab the overnight bag that I had packed earlier, hoping he would be ready to leave soon. I haven’t seen Liam since our page clearing conversation only hours before. And I’m not about to make the same mistake as I did last night with entering his room. Lord knows that after this morning, he would just as soon throw me from his room.

  When I reenter the kitchen, Gage is rinsing his plate off. “All ready to go?” He asks.

  “Yup,” I say, holding my bag up for him to see.

  “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

  -Lewis B. Smedes

  Chapter 15

  Liam

  After witnessing the tension that was pouring out of Layla directed at me, I left. I decided I would crash with Ryan and Natalie for a few days. I knew she would want some time alone. Something she always needs after she ditches her bed friends. She always takes a day to herself, her mind closed to the entire world around her.

  She puts her head in the clouds and allows the rain to swallow her up with emotion. After living with her for a bit of time, I think I’ve come to know her decently well. I mean, we don’t know each other’s life secrets or dreams, but we know how each of us takes our coffee, or how we like our eggs cooked.

  We know what makes the others fuses light and we know how to just be. She wouldn’t have been my ideal roommate if I had just met her. But after spending so much time with her while looking after Natalie, I had no choice but to befriend her. And now she’s kind of stuck on me.

  The attraction to her took me off guard and it’s definitely something new. It kind of took me by surprise how strongly I reacted to her, or that last night while we were in bed together, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. Her passion fed my own and then some. I have an addictive personality, which can be a blessing and a curse all at the same time.

  Layla would say that my connection with Natalie was unhealthy and oddly placed. I don’t feel that way, or see it like that at all. Addicts don’t only become addicted to drugs, although, I very much did. They can become addicted to every single thing.

  I am one of those hardcore addicts.

  Sex addict? Recovering, and I just hopped off that path. Drug addict? Not in the past six years. Adrenalin addict? I used to be. Exercising addict? Till this day. Caffeine addict? Can’t wake up until I have at least three cups of Joe.

  The drug addiction is just a classification. I was into everything under the damn sun. If it got me even the tiniest of highs, I was doing it. Anything to escape the life of living in an alley with Alex.

  She introduced me to cocaine. That was the first drug I ever tried, and mind you I didn’t just sample it. I snorted eight lines of blow that night. No one advised me of what the high would be like, or how awful the coming down would be, but I did it.

  That first time, man, was fucking years ago. I had befriended Alex about six months previous. I shared my cardboard bed with her every night. We slowly shared our past lives with each other. I learned about her parents and how cruel they were and she learned about how I ran away from parents who were ashamed of my dream.

  I earned money from passersby from singing on a sidewalk. It wasn’t a lively earning, but it bought us food. I had no idea where she went every day, but I knew that every night she would be back in my makeshift tent, waiting for me.

  One night, after I had used the money I made that day to buy us a premade sub we could share from a local convenience store, I made my way back to ‘our alley’. She was standing outside of the tent, leaning against the red brick wall with a smile on her face.

  “Liam, I met a group of nice people today. You wouldn’t believe how friendly they were. They invited us to a party, where there will be food, lots of it. And drinks. Can we go?”

  She knew I was very weary of strangers. Not everyone had the best interest for others. I should have said no. That night, and the many nights after that, involved those people, and partying of all kinds. But food, how could I turn down food? We had none most nights. And some days. I was lucky we had something meager to share. The only clothes we owned were the ones we had on our back and our showers were taken in public restroom sinks.

  We went that night, the night I experienced my first high. The most euphoric high of my fucking life. Coke tastes like shit while dripping down the back of your nose into your throat, but when it hits you, you’re on top of the world. You’re the king of your life and you can do anything. You can reach heights you didn’t think existed. But when you come down, you feel like death. My first time, I ended up getting the cocaine bug, where your muscles are spazzing because of the constant teeth grinding and it made me feel crazy. I was blowing blood out of my nose for days. But it didn’t stop me. We went back there every night.

  We were fucking lucky to have friends who had the luxury of a private bathroom and an endless supply of food. After months of living in a cardboard box, we got to room on a floor. The friends she had met were college kids only a few years older than us. Their parents had cash and rented them a house.

  The agreement to stay there was that we would clean the house every day. Their house was the party house, drugs, sex, everything went. Alex and I both got caught up in the moment and we stayed there for years. I stayed there for years. I’m still in that moment, locked there against my will.

  The worst night of my life happened the last night that I stayed there. The night that has stayed with me for years. Every single day that I’ve been alive, it’s with me. I’ve tried working through it, tried healing myself.

  It was a crazy party as usual, every kind of drug was being dished around. Everyone searching for that sensational high. Alex, nor I had ever used heroin before. One of the guys who lived in the house had offered it to us. He said it was the best high he had ever felt, better than coke. That sounded like a damn good high to me, and to Alex. He already had the syringes filled and offered to inject it into us.

  He was right, it was the best high I had felt yet. Alex didn’t react the same as I had. She fell to the floor unconscious and I freaked. She wouldn’t respond to anything I did. I don’t even remember who called 9-1-1. All I know is that I loved her, that she still has a place in my heart. She died that night and I haven’t been the same since.

  “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares
.”

  -Henri Nouwen

  Chapter 16

  Layla

  Gage drives just like he talks. Eighty miles a minute, and I’m thanking God that we’re almost there, so that I don’t have to remain in a car with him, where he is the driver any longer. As soon as he pulls into Ryan’s driveway outside of the ridiculous mansion, I throw the door open and escape. Natalie comes running out into the driveway to greet me.

  “Days feel like years when it comes to not seeing you,” she says, as she grabs me in for a hug.

  When she’s done hugging me, she grabs my arm and leads me inside.

  “I don’t think you’ve seen the nursery that Ryan and I finished for Temperance yet. It’s beautiful and you are so going to love it too.” She tells me excitedly.

  I hang my bag on the coatrack near the door and follow her through the great room up the stairs. The house is a maze and if I hadn’t been here so many times already, I would likely get lost just finding my way to a bathroom. One of many that this house possess.

  When you reach the top of the stairs, a big foyer acts as a landing with a long wrap around corridor. There are another set of stairs at the end of the corridor that lead you into the kitchen, but when coming in the entrance of the house, the great room is much closer.

  The first door on the right is Natalie’s and Ryan’s room and the one directly across is Temperance’s. I knew that they had decided that room was to be her nursery before she was born, although, she wouldn’t be sleeping in there until she was around six months old. Natalie has a crib in her room at the moment.

  She was nervous about having the princess sleep in a separate room, nervous about not waking up. As we enter the room, my jaw drops. I can’t believe what they’ve done to the room.

  It was an ivory, white walled, hardwood floor, outdated room. One wall, the wall behind the crib is painted as a sunrise and in the clouds is Temperance’s name spelled out in bold script font. The rest of the walls are a vibrant hue or orange, blending perfectly with the sunrise. The hardwood floors are now a light green carpet matching the color of freshly grown grass. And the crib is a cherry wood with ornate railings. The theme she went for was bright and cheery, with a handmade flowery quilt.

  “I’m speechless, Nat. It’s beautiful. Wow! You guys must have worked hard, just wow.” I have no idea what to say. It’s absolutely beautiful.

  “I know you won’t believe it, but this was actually Ryan’s idea to go with a bright sunny day theme. I couldn’t help but agree. It just fits her, ya know? She’s the light of our lives.” Natalie says with tears in her eyes.

  “I have to tell you Nat, I didn’t think I would ever see the day that you found your happiness. In just under a year, you’ve grown emotionally. You’ve become the strong one. I’m not sure who to credit, Ryan or your beautiful baby. I’m glad it’s worked out like this,” I say to Natalie, while wrapping her up in a hug.

  “I think what has changed me so much is that I have a complete family now, Ryan and Temperance, and you. Ryan has been amazing and I love him very much. He’s given me the greatest gift in Temperance.” Natalie says, wiping an escaped tear away from her eye, “My hormones are still out of whack. I’ve been crying over everything.”

  I pull my arms back to my sides and look into her face. “You know that I’ll always be here. You’ve always been my family and the more kids you have, then the bigger family I’ll have. I’ll be the cool aunt, you know the one always giving them candy and buying them whatever they want.”

  “Let’s see how having one goes, shall we?” Natalie says smirking.

  She had a pretty mellow pregnancy, besides the morning sickness. She did blow up like a balloon, although, I would have never said that out loud. What hormonal female wants to hear about how they put on baby weight?

  “So I was thinking that maybe you would help me make something for dinner, since we have a brood here tonight,” Natalie suggests.

  “I guess I can help,” I say smiling. “I did want to ask you something, though.” I say wiping the smile off my face.

  “You know you can ask me anything.”

  “Have you told Ryan of your past? I mean, I know you guys have been busy preparing for the baby and just working on your relationship, and that is a huge part, Nat. I just wondered if you’ve told him yet.”

  “Actually, I did. After he proposed, I had said yes instantly. But as our night in the hospital went on, getting accustomed to having a baby, learning to feed her and change her diapers, I realized I hadn’t told him yet. He deserved to know that part of me, you know?”

  I nod my head in agreement.

  “Anyway, after Temperance fell asleep, I pulled him onto the hospital bed with me and told him. I told him where we grew up and how we were raised together. I told him about that night and how it killed me inside. How I went to live across the street with you and your parents. And then how we came to be here.”

  “The overdose?” I ask.

  “Yes, I told him my reasoning’s behind that too, Lals. He loves me as much as I do him and the past few months is the best I can remember feeling since that night. I still go to counseling and it helps a lot to talk about my issues, but I feel great. I’m happy and I know you worry about me all the time. But you don’t have to anymore, Layla.”

  What she says resonates inside of me. I can’t keep lying to her. Depending on the wedding arrangements and how quick and efficient The Sagamore is, maybe we can take a U-turn with plans and visit my parents. So she can learn the truth. I can see the light of happiness in her eyes and it makes me satisfied that she can handle it. She has Ryan and if she still wants it in the end, me.

  I can’t allow her to go on oblivious to what really happened. It’s unfair of me and I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t want to speak to me as soon as we got home. Sure, I would let her have time to work through it, but then best bet I would be knocking down her door until she forgave me.

  “It is only in adventure that some people

  succeed in knowing themselves -

  in finding themselves.”

  - Andre Gide

  Chapter 17

  Liam

  I drive around aimlessly, reminiscing about my past, the past I have to no avail, tried to push behind me. One that still has a hold on my life that I can’t seem to shake off. I decide to head back home. Maybe now that Layla has had time to think about what I said, she will see that what I said was right for her and me.

  That there shouldn’t be anything between us, even if the sex was mind blowing. I don’t know how I could go from feeling these emotions for Natalie and then all of a sudden be interested in Layla.

  When I open the door to our place I see that all the lights are off, “Layla? Layla?” I yell, while walking through the living room.

  Maybe she’s in her room. I swing her door wide open. Nope. I know she has tonight off and if she didn’t, my first guess would be the bar. The bar that if her little ass walks into, I will be carrying her out of.

  I head back into the kitchen, while pulling my cellphone out of my pants pocket. The guys have nothing to do anyway, so I’m sure we could figure out some plans for the night. As I go to call Jason, I see that I have a missed text message from Ryan.

  “Hey, Lals is here for the night. Nat and her are flying home tomorrow. Thought maybe you would like to join the guys and I for the day. Come stay the night.”

  I’ve been going back and forth on this cutting Natalie off, on the best friend thing. The thing that’s interfering with that, or should I say person, is Ryan. He’s my brother and fellow bandmate. There is no way I could cut him out of my life.

  I wonder if after what Layla and I did, I will still have the same feelings toward Natalie. Will I react the same? Maybe this is the only way to find out. I haven’t been in the same room with Layla and Natalie since the sex fiasco. Hopefully this could help me figure out what it is I am feeling.

  My head is a cluster fuck of confusion and back then, I w
ould have easily fixed this with a line of blow. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I no longer do any of that shit. Thanks to Ryan. He’s the one who got me clean, who got me a safe place to sleep. The one who clothed me and fed my ass, until we hit it big. I owe him my life.

  “On my way.” I text back to Ryan.

  He replies instantly. “See you soon.”

  I head into my room and grab a change of clothes and a pair of flannel pajamas. There’s no way I would risk going semi-nude in a pair of briefs in Ryan’s house, not only out of respect for him, but the guys know that I like to sleep semi-nude. They would definitely try to fuck with me. I toss my clothes into a backpack and grab my phone charger from the outlet on the wall near my bed.

  The drive to Ryan’s house goes by faster than normal. Perhaps it’s because there was less traffic than normal, or maybe it’s because of where my thoughts kept going the entire drive.

  To Cordova. To my parents. To being homeless. To Alex and her death. To Ryan. To the band. To Natalie. To Layla. And it went through each, like a pattern of horrible nightmare flashbacks.

  Cordova, where my parents still live. No, they haven’t reached out to me since I left. But since I have been able to, I’ve been keeping an eye out for them. I pay a private investigator to keep tabs. He lets me know if they need funds to pay any of their bills and I find ways for that money to pop up. He informs me of their health and of what they’re doing.

  Have I ever visited? Yup. Once. That was fun. I had intended on burying the hatchet with my father and mother. It didn’t go as I had planned, though. I found out from my guy that my dad was aboard the boat that day. My old man was still working to keep him and my mother afloat. I waited for hours on that fucking dock. I wanted to go to him first, put shit right.

  Talk without my mom there, because if it didn’t end well, she would have been upset and that’s something she didn’t need to see. I stood there waiting all day and when the boat he was on finally docked and he walked off, he walked right on by me. I thought at first that maybe he didn’t recognize me, short neon blue hair, tattoos, even piercings then.