Find Me Page 9
So I followed him, staying a few paces away. He kept his face straight and never once looked back in my direction. When we were nearing the house that he still lived in, the one I grew up in, I yelled ahead to him.
Turns out, he recognized me all right, but didn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t believe how long ago it was. I yelled out a simple hey, to stop him in his tracks. He turned around a face full of fury and said his peace. Words that he couldn’t ever take back. Words that I wouldn’t let him take back.
“I don’t know why you even came back here. Your mother, nor I want to see you. We disowned you the day you left. Remember, you didn’t want a part of this family, so why come back now? You might be on top now with that music, but one day you’ll fall. Playing a guitar is a joke. It’s not a real job and you should be ashamed of yourself. You’re not the son I raised.”
He walked away after that. I haven’t seen him since. I sound the alarm on my car and head into Ryan’s house. I head straight into the great room, much like a living room, but without a television. It’s the conversation room, as Ryan calls it. He says that when he has guests, he wants to converse, not sit together in silence watching shows. Something I would much rather be doing right now.
As I enter the room I make my way over to the corner seat on the huge ass sectional, the most comfortable spot in the room. Everyone else is in here, except for Layla and Natalie.
“How’s the song writing going, Ryan?”
He’s our main song writer. When he finishes a piece, he always gives it to me. Another eye that could find mistakes and or enhance the lyrics. I’ve written a few songs for the band, but none of them ended up as a best hit. The only reason our label allowed us time away from touring was because of Ryan’s amazing ability to convince.
They didn’t care either way about a baby. They only care about money. Ryan convinced them that if they gave us time off, we would be able to produce at least four hits and an entire album. In turn, we received ten longs months of a not so vacation.
“I’ve managed to write one song and I’m not sure it would end up on the Billboard 100 list.”
“Maybe tomorrow we’ll go down to the studio and check it out. We only have six more months to make these songs. We need to get our asses in gear.”
“Have you discussed going on tour with Natalie? Is she willing to bring the baby on tour?”
“We’ve discussed it, but not in length. She’s worried about the baby being cooped up on a bus and I am too. So, I’m trying to get the label to schedule our tour so that we would only have two concert’s a week, so we can stay in a hotel for the most part. Only needing to be on the bus when we drive to our next location.” Ryan explains.
“Hell, I think we would all like that, instead of being crammed on a bus days on end.” I agree.
“So where are the girls and that beautiful baby at?”
“Layla and Natalie are making dinner in the kitchen and Temperance is laying down for a nap. I’m sure she’ll be up in another hour. She sleeps more than anything. The doctors said that’s normal for the first few months. Scared me at first. When we were in the hospital, I had Nat page the nurse because I didn’t think it was normal. Turns out, I have a lot to learn,” Ryan says on a laugh.
“I never thought I would see the day. Ryan “Steele” Hurst brought down by a woman in sweats, domesticated and holding a baby monitor. It’s a good thing man, you needed love in your life.”
He gives me the biggest smile that reaches his eyes, “I needed her, man, and she needed me. She’s changed me. I don’t know how I could justifiably explain it. She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, better than us getting signed. And she gave me the greatest gift in Temperance. She’s melted my heart. You should do yourself a favor and find that man, find love. The forever kind of love that will make you think of nothing else and no one else.”
“Aww,” Sounds out in stereo by Gage, Zepp, and Jason, as Ryan’s face beams in pride.
He has no shame in his feelings, and if anything I can see it. Natalie and he are meant to be. It’s selfish as fuck of me to believe I had those kind of feelings. It’s not the same as what they share, as Layla said this morning. It’s near impossible for two lost souls to find one another as Layla had mentioned earlier this morning, and for Ryan and Natalie it happened. What are the chances of it happening to more than one of us in the group?
Nil.
Natalie enters the great room, as Ryan’s face is still beaming, “Dinner will be done in a few minutes, and it is delicious. Layla outdid herself on this one.”
Ryan looks at me, as Natalie is exiting the room, “I’m going to step outside for a smoke, want to join?”
“Sure.”
Ryan leads the way out onto his wrap-around deck. After shutting the door, I ask him, “I thought you kicked that habit?”
“I’ve cut down a lot. Listen man, I’m not as strong as Nat. She quit cold turkey. I tried and failed. I’m down to about three a day, which is a good start.”
“I understand. Remember, I kicked a lot of addictions.”
“I remember, all too clearly.” He says, his eyes off in the distance, remembering.
“That was a long time ago. Look at us now.”
“Who would have thought that we would have ended up here? It still feels like a dream. That one of these days I’m going to wake up and we’re going to be five teenagers living in a two bedroom apartment, still playing gigs at a bar. Doesn’t feel real.” Ryan says, disbelieving.
“It’s real my friend. Trust me, the past won’t let me forget. It’s been harder lately, keeping still on that ledge. I can’t stop thinking, even when I’m sleeping. The nightmares still come, and I…I just don’t know what to do, you know? What next?”
“You need to talk to someone, Liam. A professional, who can help you rationalize all of your past. I don’t want to betray Natalie and her trust, but she has suitcases full of issues, and her talking to someone has helped her a lot. She went from not wanting to live, to cherishing every day she’s here. It will take a lot of time and talking, but I think it will help you.” He advises.
“I know. Remember, I brought her there every week? She scared the shit out of me. I thought she would become her. That my past was repeating itself.”
“You thought she would become an Alex.” He says.
I cringe. He said her name out loud. He is the only other one, besides myself and the people that Alex and I lived with and obviously authorities, that know what happened. That even know who Alex was.
Ryan flicks his cigarette into the ashtray, then grabs my shoulder. “I didn’t say her name to hurt you. I said it because you have to get used to hearing it. The only way to heal is to work through it, talk through it. Compartmentalize every single feeling you have when thinking of her, the regrets, and the pain of losing her. The shame in not being able to save her, all of it. You know that if you need to talk about any of it, I’m always here for you.”
“When did you become so knowledgeable?” I ask, letting him know that I appreciate what he said, but it’s not the right time.
I’m not ready, yet.
Natalie wasn’t lying when she said that Layla had outdone herself on dinner. It was delicious, better than most five star restaurant’s I’ve eaten at. At dinner, I learned that while the girls were in New York, tomorrow us guys would be getting fitted for tuxedos.
Ryan had some designer coming out to the house for measurements, so I guess it was a good thing that I had come to spend the night, seeing as how the guy would be here bright and early.
Temperance woke up just as dinner was being served. We spent the better part of the night passing the beautiful princess around. I kept my distance from Layla and she did the same with me.
I had to keep telling myself it was better that way, even after realizing that I had mistaken my feelings for Natalie. I had put so much of myself into what I thought I was feeling, when in reality it wasn’t what it was.
I would have been an ass to have voiced what I thought I was feeling. I would have ruined not one, but two friendships. Possibly our band and maybe even their relationship. It wouldn’t have been fair to them.
And Layla. She’s under my skin, too far for my comfort or liking. I was so caught up in Natalie, even with Ryan claiming her and then finding out she was pregnant, that I overlooked Layla. And even now that I’m seeing her clearly, it’s still way too much for me to delve into a relationship, and who’s saying she doesn’t have an endless supply of skeletons in her closet still hidden?
It’s obvious with her pattern of weekly sexual partners, her scare of getting close to someone, anyone other than Natalie. Last night, it was passionate between her and I and I’m positive that it’s not because of my celibacy.
Long after dinner, everyone called it a night. I decided to take a quick shower. A hot and steamy one to help put my mind at ease and relax my body for sleep. I’m not sure what room Layla chose and I already know what rooms Gage, Zepp, and Jason chose. The ones they’ve already made theirs. I took the room that I always do when I stay here, the one at the completely opposite end of Ryan and Natalie’s. The room closest to the second set of stairs that leads to the kitchen. It was safer that way, when I thought I was in love with Natalie. I didn’t want any chance of hearing them together. Now that isn’t so much of a problem, as it’s the room I’m comfortable with. I also didn’t want to chance anyone hearing me wake up in the middle of the night to a nightmare.
My room is one of the few that isn’t equipped with a bathroom. Actually, the room next door to mine isn’t either, not that it matters, because it’s probably empty anyway.
I grab my sweats out of the bag I had brought earlier and head into the bathroom just across the way from my room. I knock just in case in the off chance that someone might be in there. No sound, so I open the door and shut it behind me. No need to lock it, because again, it’s not likely someone would enter.
I strip down and start the water to the shower. When I feel that it’s hot enough, I jump in. Only after the bathroom is full of steam and my entire body is reddened, because of the temperature of the water, do I get out. I throw on my sweats and open the door to Layla’s hand frozen in mid-knock.
“Oh, sorry. I was just knocking to see if anyone was in there. My room doesn’t have a bathroom and well, I need to go. I mean, that is if you’re done in here.” She says, rambling nervously.
These are the first words she has spoken to me since this morning. I can’t allow this awkwardness to go on any longer. We have to live together, for fucks sake.
“Layla, it’s okay. I was leaving anyway, but on another note this whatever it is between us has to stop. I’m not saying let’s pretend what happened didn’t, but we can’t let it interfere with our lives. We live together. You can’t go around ignoring me every single day just because you’re uncomfortable. It was sex, get over it.”
Okay, maybe that was a bit dickish. Or maybe a little worse. I guess one would say that I overdid it, that I should have stopped before I went too far. But if there’s anything I have experience in, it’s making up for being a compulsive dick. I begin to apologize, “I’m sor-,” She cuts me off.
“Don’t worry about it, Liam. Trust me, I knew what I was doing before we did it. I knew that it would be ‘just sex’. I wasn’t allowing myself to believe otherwise. We know that only one person has any claim on your heart. I’m fine, really I am. I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose. I had a lot of other things on my mind. I apologize if you got the impression that it was you.” She says, plastering a smile on her face that doesn’t reach her eyes.
Somehow I think those eyes are going to be the ones to haunt me next. The ones that I might end up looking back on as yet another regret.
“Anyway, could I get in there?” She asks, directing her hand behind me.
“Oh, yeah. Goodnight, I guess then. Have a safe flight tomorrow.”
“Night,” Layla says quietly.
“We’re all damaged in our own way. Nobody’s perfect. I think we are all somewhat screwy, every single one of us. “
-Johnny Depp
Chapter 18
Layla
I wake to someone pounding on the door to the room I’m in. I glance over to the alarm clock that’s yet to go off, because I don’t have to be awake for another fifteen minutes.
“Go away!” I yell.
I was up more than half the night tossing and turning, I couldn’t get comfortable in a bed that wasn’t mine and my mind wouldn’t stop going back to Liam. To what he said. He meant every single word.
I could see it in his gaze and the way he stood tense. He was trying to be as nice as possible, getting the hint through to me. He treated me like a regular groupie, which I had expected. And yet, even though I knew what I was doing before I did it, I guess I really didn’t believe that he would react that way after all. I was foolish and naïve.
I hear my door open and feel the bed next to me sink. I feel around for the pillow that’s no longer under my head and toss it over my face.
“I’m sleeping, go away.”
“Lals, I know how slow you are, so get your ass up and moving.” Natalie says, muffled.
“Can’t you give me a few more minutes?” I plead.
“Get up,” She says, as she yanks the pillow from me, then moves on to the blankets.
I lay there, unmoving in the bed.
“If I have to grab a cup of ice water, don’t doubt me, I will.”
I know that she’s not fibbing, she will do it. With that threat, I sit up.
“It’s way too early. Tell me again why I am getting up at this hour.”
“You’re getting up, because we have a plane to catch home, where we will be planning a small intimate wedding and then on to your parents’ house to invite them in person. And I am your best friend, so it’s not like you had a choice in the matter to begin with. So, move it.” She says, demanding.
I start getting dressed, without haste, though. I’m in no rush to possibly ruin our lifelong friendship, sisterhood. Today is possibly that day, the day that she will learn the truth and that I’ve known all along. That I have kept it from her for years.
“I’m a little nervous about leaving Temperance. It’s only been a few days. She won’t forget me right?’
“Nat, it’s only a few hours. She’s not going to forget you. Plus, daddy is home. He’ll be with her, so you have nothing to worry about.”
“It’s just what kind of mother am I, if I am already leaving her?” Natalie asks, full of self-doubt.
“I would say a mother that’s getting married in just over a few weeks. One who has a matter of hours to plan a wedding to her rock star fiancé?”
“When did you start becoming shallow? She asks playfully.
“Oh, you didn’t know? I’ve always been shallow.” I play back.
Dressed and ready to go, I follow Natalie out of the room and down the stairs into the kitchen. Ryan’s at the stove making what smells like eggs and bacon.
“So, I see you’ve already got him domesticated, Natalie,” I say, while pulling out a chair, seating myself at the breakfast nook.
“He makes breakfast every morning at six. Somehow he domesticated himself into waking up early like this. I had no hand in it.” She replies, while pulling a chair up next to me.
Ryan serves us each a plate. We eat and Natalie kisses him and Temperance goodbye. Natalie drives us to the airport, where we will be boarding a private jet that will fly us into Albany, New York. Very close to home.
The flight passes by quickly, and in comfort. When we arrive in Albany, there is a car already waiting to drive us to Bolton Landing, where The Sagamore is located. The drive on the Northway takes
about forty five minutes. The Sagamore Resort is located on a small island along Lake George. Its notoriety speaks for itself and guests come from all over the world to stay in this luxury.
Our car pulls up to the main hotel, where the wedding planner will be meeting us. Natalie exits the car first and I follow suit. As soon as we enter, the bellhop offers to take our coats, as they knew we were expected. A small bitty old lady greets us. Her name is Maggie and apparently she’s the many times renowned wedding planner here.
She leads us to The Veranda, a small crumpets and tea like restaurant, and offers us a drink, before sitting down to get to business. Apparently, Natalie already knows what she’s looking for, because the first words out of her mouth are, “Maggie, we won’t be needing a drink. I’m going to make this the fastest wedding you’ve ever planned. I have already looked your pamphlet over and know the services you offer. I want to get married on the island, at dusk, on the waterfront. I want the flowers to be purple lilies. Then I would like the reception to take place on The Morgan. My wedding is going to be a small and intimate affair, no more than twenty guests. I would prefer the rooms for the guests and wedding party near each other. The same floor if possible. We will only be staying the night before and the night after. The dinner, I will plan and forward on to you. The wedding cake will be taken care of by me as well.”
“Are you sure? We can accommodate up to five hundred guests. We also offer the cake to be made here on location. It just seems like your settling for such a small wedding.” Maggie suggests.
“Nope. I’m set with what I want. If you take care of those things for me, then I will be one very happy bride.”
“Um, okay.” Maggie replies.
Clearly this is something she hasn’t had to deal with ever.
“Okay then, great. I will be calling you with the rest of the details. If you have any questions, please give me a call.” With that, Natalie stands and of course I follow her lead.