Find Me Page 2

  I didn’t bother setting my alarm last night. I figured I would sleep in and hopefully Liam would too, because today would most likely be a busy day. When we were at the hospital last night, Natalie mentioned that if the baby was healthy they would allow her and Ryan to take her home after twenty four hours had passed. Liam and I, being the best friends, should be there to help them with anything that they need.

  It would also benefit Liam with having to confront his emotions and really see that he has no place ruining what it is that they have built. I know that Natalie hasn’t shared all of herself with Ryan, but it will come in time. They’ve focused the last few months on building a relationship and bonding with Temperance inside the womb. It’s been a whirlwind, with her moving out and building a nursery in her new home.

  Even though the mansion is about an hour away, it doesn’t seem to help with keeping the rest of the band away. My mornings have consisted of fighting my way into the kitchen to make myself something to eat for breakfast, then being bombarded with three other grown men to make them food as well, because they are ‘starving’.

  By the time I am able to sit down and eat, they are finished eating and ransacking the cupboards to see what else they can scarf down. Most days, they are here from morning until night, unless they are working in the studio that Ryan built in his house. I am constantly telling them to go home, that I have homework to do and work. Cleaning too, but I can’t clean around four men that take up every empty space the apartment has.

  They are a great group of guys to have around, my issue isn’t their personality. It’s that they drive me crazy. I feel like I am living in a frat house. If I had wanted that, then Nat and I wouldn’t have moved here so much earlier than when the semester began, to find an apartment within campus distance.

  Deciding that I might as well face today as I would any other day, with the exception that I have a new family member, I toss the blankets off me and quickly throw on a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt. More than once, my door has been opened randomly without prior knowledge that it was about to be.

  I’m positive that more than one set of eyes from this band has seen my body not fully clothed. As I slide my feet into my flats, my cellphone starts ringing. I ignore the ringing. It can wait until I, at the very least, consume a yogurt. Breakfast is a ritual of mine. It gets me moving for the day.

  Stepping out of my room, shutting the door behind me, I walk into the kitchen. After grabbing a spoon, I open the refrigerator to nothing. Literally, nothing. I open the door wider, hoping that miraculously food will appear. Namely my yogurt.

  Nope.

  Still empty.

  I am. Going. Tofuckingkillthem.

  I slam the door shut and throw my now useless spoon on the counter, while craning my neck around, glancing to see if the criminals have evidence in their hands.

  Yup.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! Again?” I yell.

  You know; I would be calmer if this were to be the first time. Hell, I would be much calmer if this were the fifth time. But that isn’t the case today. This has happened so much, I have now lost count. It’s not something I have come to expect every day, because they don’t do it every single fucking day.

  I think this is some fucked up mind game they enjoy playing, meanwhile the bonus is a full stomach on someone else’s time and dime. I’m beginning to think they are broke, maybe bankrupt. They have spent all of their money on meaningless inconsequential shit and instead of barking up Ryan’s tree, they dry hump mine.

  “What is wrong with you all? How many times have I made it clear that the food in the fridge is mine or Liam’s? If I were to invite you over, let’s say for food, then maybe that would grant you permission to eat said food.” I take a deep breath, trying to remain as calm as possible. “Now you three can go grocery shopping and restock. While you’re there, I suggest grabbing some groceries for yourselves as well.”

  “Why would we want to go grocery shopping?” Gage interjects.

  “You want to go shopping, because it would be the right thing to do, Gage. Seeing as how you all ate everything we had.”

  “I guess I can see what you’re getting at. Because we’re going to shop for you, does that mean you’ll make us something to eat?”

  Once, months ago, I believed myself to be a very patient person. Now, I find that I no longer possess that quality.

  “Don’t act like shopping for me is a favor. You guys are doing it, because you ate our fucking food. Do me something that is a favor? How about not eating my food? And then maybe I would consider making you your favorite dish.”

  “Whoa, no need to be so hostile, Lals. We’ll do your shopping for ya.” Zepp chimes in. “Let’s just get her some damn food.” He says to Jason and Gage.

  Unarguably, they stand up and walk out my front door.

  Idiot Savants, I swear. They are musical genius’, but have long since forgotten how to live like a normal people. How it is to treat someone ordinarily. I chuckle out loud. I wish I could secretly join them on their shopping trip. They’ll be gone for hours. Oh well, I’m long overdue in spending time with Johnny anyways.

  “Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence.”

  -Dorothy Dix

  Chapter 3

  Liam

  Somewhere in the distance I can hear Layla yelling. I’m sure it’s not out of excitement either. I try to block out the noise out by throwing my pillow over the side of my face. I then attempt to drown out her screeching by tossing the comforter over top of said pillow.

  To no avail, the woman’s voice still pierces through. Someone must have done something. It’s not hard taking a whack at guessing what happened or who might have done it. The five of us are one united family. Equal to one another on almost all counts. Those three, though, they’re like the fucking Three Musketeers. Where one goes, thou shalt go together. When one does something, thou shalt do it as well.

  My first guess is that they ate something of hers. Maybe they found the Cosmic Brownies hiding on the back of the top shelf in the cupboard, or maybe they found the Swiss Rolls she has hidden in the breadbox on the counter. One of the Musketeers went snooping and got caught.

  I give up. When Layla is on a roll, there is no stopping her. Clearly she isn’t thinking that there might be other people in the apartment sleeping. I throw the pillow to the foot of the bed, the covers following, and look at the alarm clock. Jesus Christ, it’s only ten o’clock in the morning and this woman is screeching about food.

  I get out of the bed, intending to yell at someone myself, but when I open my door, another one shuts. I follow suit into the living room and there she is, alone. Curled up on the tiny love seat, remote in hand.

  “What is your problem? Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” I say, rubbing my eyes.

  She pauses whatever it is she has playing on the television and looks up, glaringly.

  “They ate all the food.”

  “All of the food?” I ask, disbelieving. She and I went grocery shopping barely two days ago. I spent four hundred dollars stuffing that refrigerator full. She nods.

  “All of the food? How?”

  “Do I have to spell it out for you? Your bandmates ate every fucking thing in there. I have no idea how. They had to of come over hours ago to eat it all. Anyways, they are out shopping now. They might be back within a few hours. Can I get back to Johnny now?” She asks impatiently.

  “Johnny?”

  “Yes, Johnny. I would very much like to spend some time with him, if you don’t mind. Go back to bed or something.”

  “Well, I was asleep before someone decided to start screaming. So how about you set your ass up and hitch on over. I want to know who this Johnny guy is.”

  Begrudgingly, she sits up and tucks herself as far as she can into the left corner of the couch. I plop down onto the right, leaving space in between our bodies. She hits play and when I realize what
it is that she is watching, I can’t hold the laughter in. I slam my lips together trying to prevent the laughter from flowing freely, and I fail miserably.

  “What do you find so amusing?” She asks, annoyed.

  I can’t stop laughing, which in turn is causing her to get pissed off even more. I look away from the cause of my laughter. The LCD is playing Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Her ‘Johnny” that she was referring to is Johnny Depp. Not that I don’t have an appreciation for his art, or the movie, but she really had me believing Johnny was an actual person.

  I take a couple of moments to put my straight face on and breathe in deep lungful’s of air, before looking back at her seriously irritated expression.

  “I thought Johnny was someone real,” I tell her with my poker face in place.

  She starts waving her hand around in the direction of the TV, “Obviously he is real.”

  “Yeah, really on the screen.”

  Her reply is to throw a couch pillow at me.

  I leave it where it’s at. The laughing felt good, a change of pace for how I have felt lately. When Layla confronted me last night, she was right. Every single thing she said was spot on. I had only stayed because it was Natalie’s room at first. Now I stay because I like it here and knowing Ryan, he’s going to want to be at home and create music. It was easier for me to stay here, easier to ignore my emotions. To deny them.

  I hate talking about my feelings and all that sappy shit. I am the guy you run to when you want comfort, because I understand. But I am not the guy you want to get pampered with, the guy to have late night girlfriend conversations. That shit isn’t up my alley. I can be the best friend, but not the girlfriend. And no longer Natalie’s best friend.

  Layla is right, they are happy. They have a family now, something I cannot break. I wouldn’t want to break. It’s immoral. Time to move the fuck on.

  I join Layla in watching the movie, when I hear my ringtone blaring from my room. I walk into my room and grab it from the charging dock. The name on the front screen reads Ryan.

  “Hey, man.”

  “Hey, I was wondering if you had a minute to talk.” Ryan states.

  “You know I always have time for you, you’re family. Speaking of, how’s that princess doing?”

  “She’s doing awesome! We are allowed to go home in a few hours, after the pediatrician comes in and examines her. As long as she is healthy and where she needs to be, he will discharge us. Nat was checked earlier and already given the okay.” He informs me.

  “That’s great, man. I’m so fucking happy for you.”

  “Anyway, the reason I was calling is that I wanted to tell you she said yes!”

  “Who said yes and to what?” I ask, clearly not in the loop.

  “Have you forgotten already? I was planning on asking Nat to marry me.”

  Fuck. That I remember. I’ve tried very hard to forget, I wish I could have.

  “Oh, fuck! Sorry, yeah I remember. So did you?” I lie.

  “That’s what I was saying. I asked her. I waited until Temperance was born, it was the most perfect moment. I wish you could have been there. She said yes. I’m getting married!” He says excitedly.

  “Congrats man, it couldn’t have happened to anyone better. I know how much you love her.”

  “I do. I love her with everything inside of me.” Ryan tells me with a serious tone.

  I don’t say a word. What can I say beyond the fact that I’m happy for him? He’s met his child and purposed to his girlfriend, within twenty four hours. He has what I want most. Happiness.

  “I’d rather ask in person, but Natalie and I have been up all night planning the wedding. We don’t want to do anything huge. Just close friends and family. We don’t want to wait long. So we’ve set a date. I wanted to know if you would do me the honors and be my best man. I wouldn’t want anyone but you beside me when I say my vows, and of course I want Jason, Zepp and Gage there with us as well.”

  “I don’t know what to say, of course I would stand beside you. How much time do I have to plan a bachelor party?” I say, changing the subject away from Natalie.

  “Thirty days.”

  “What?” I ask. Thirty days is pretty damn fast and such a short time to plan a wedding and a spectacular bachelor party.

  “I said we didn’t want to wait that long.”

  “Yeah, well I thought it would be a hell of a lot longer than that. Maybe a few months or so. You’re not giving me a lot of time here man, but I’ll see what I can do.”

  “This means a lot to Natalie and I, Liam.”

  “Me too, me too.” I reply, unsure of what else there is to say.

  “All right, the doctor is here for Temperance. I’ll call you tonight. Also, please no strippers.”

  That has to be Natalie’s doing. She has an affliction with strippers, pleading that they could find much more suitable jobs to make a living.

  “Got ya. Go. Hang up.”

  “I am. Bye.”

  The line goes mute.

  “Basically we are all looking for someone who knows who we are and will break it to us gently.”

  -Robert Brault

  Chapter 4

  Layla

  I pause the movie that Liam and I are watching, when his phone starts ringing. A few seconds after Liam leaves the couch, mine starts ringing too. Odd.

  I don’t even glance at the screen before I answer.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey! I’m glad you answered. I tried calling earlier this morning, but you didn’t answer. I guessed you were probably sleeping and thought to call you back.”

  It’s Natalie, I can tell by her smooth throaty rasp. She sounds tired, yet joyous.

  “Sorry Hun, I haven’t even checked for missed calls. How are you feeling? How’s the little one?”

  “She’s doing great, her pediatrician will be here any minute to give her the final once over. As long as he says okay, then we can be discharged and take her home.” She says, sounding excited.

  “That’s great! You and Ryan are going to make great parents.”

  I don’t mention the marriage proposal, because I don’t want her to know that I knew first. That Liam had told me before she had gotten to. What if she said no?

  “I’m so nervous to take her home. What if I do something wrong? I tried breast feeding, but the milk isn’t coming in, so now I have to use formula. What if she doesn’t get everything that she needs, Lals? Will she be okay?” She asks worriedly.

  “Nat, you’ve got this. No one is perfect right off the bat, but you will figure it out and you have help. No one will know better what Temperance needs than her own parents. Don’t ever doubt yourself. And as for the formula, I’m sure they wouldn’t have you use it if it wasn’t going to be healthy for her to ingest. Ask the doctors, they’ll tell you everything you want to know.” I reply, reassuringly.

  “You’re right. I’m just...I’m just so damn nervous. It’s all overwhelming. I loved her so much before I met her, but now that I’ve met her. That I’ve held her in my arms, I’ve felt her breathe. Now that I have heard her coo, she just means so much more. I have never felt anything like it. Every single emotion slammed into me, when I met her and it hasn’t gone away.” She pauses.

  I can hear her labored breathing over the phone line, she’s crying.

  “You will do great. I’m sure everyone is nervous their first time around. Probably even their second and third, Nat.”

  “I know, I sound pathetic crying over the fact that I already love her so much. But I called because I wanted to share some news with you.”

  Here we go.

  “Ryan proposed to me last night. It was the most beautiful thing. After the obstetrician laid her on my chest, he looked at her and then at me with such love. And asked if I would spend the rest of my life with him.”

  “So, what did you say?”

  “Yes! I said yes!”

  For a moment I am at a loss for words. There isn’t one day in the
past, almost six years now, that I ever believed this day would come. Let alone the day of Temperance’s birth. I had hoped to hell and high water that Natalie would move past certain tragedies in her life, in our lives. That she would become suddenly stronger. Maybe then I, too would be able to overcome the hurdles of the past.

  “Nat, really, I am so happy for you. You deserve nothing but happiness in your life. I know that Ryan loves you with all of his heart. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks in your direction. You just, you’ve finally found your way. I am so proud of you.”

  I struggled getting that out. My eyes started watering and my throat started constricting with overwhelming emotion.

  Happy for her that this moment has come, that she now has her own family. Also, deeply saddened. Profoundly saddened, that my family was the one to rob her of her family to begin with.

  Don’t confuse my words for something they are not. I didn’t remain friends with her because of my guilt, she has always been my friend. My sister. My family. I would have been by her side for life, no matter the outcome of the cards the world has dealt us.

  I allow the silence to linger, for the root of my words to take full effect.

  “Will you be my maid of honor?” She stumbles out in a rush.

  “Did you just ask me to be your maid of honor?”

  “Yes. Sorry, I really wanted to wait until I saw you face to face to ask. I was only planning on telling you that I said yes, but I couldn’t hold it in.”

  Do I even deserve to be at her side for this?

  While she swears in front of everyone and God that she will love and honor this man for the rest of her life?

  No.

  “Yes.” I say simply. There is no way I deserve such an honor, but if it’s what she wants, I can’t refuse her.

  I have spent the good part of my teenage life protecting her. Protecting her from the truth. The truth that would hurt her, possibly beyond repair. I know her better than anyone else, at times even better than herself. She’s never been strong enough for the truth.