Find Me Page 3

  Her overdosing only confirmed my thoughts. When she woke up, I wanted to tell her. But her recovery was at best, difficult. On top of that, things just got much worse for sharing the truth and betrayal at my hands.

  She deserves a better friend. One who unfortunately isn’t me.

  “Yay, I am ecstatic that you said yes. Not that I thought you wouldn’t. You are my bestie, after all. So then, on to the next order of business.”

  “Yes…”

  “We talked all of last night and Ryan and I decided we didn’t want to wait to say our vows.”

  “You’re not eloping are you?”

  “No, of course not.” She chides me. “We already set a date, were getting married in a month.”

  “What?” I ask exasperated. Pulling off a wedding in a month? Impossible. So I tell her so.

  “That’s impossible, Nat. How am I supposed to plan a bachelorette party in less than a month? Let alone, you planning a wedding? There’s dresses, photographer, guests, Fuck! Food, flowers, Tuxedos, even a church. You want to get married in a church, right? Then there’s a venue for the reception, the cake, decorations. What about centerpieces for all of the tables? Natalie, this is a lot to take on in one month. Even with help from everyone, how are we going to get everyone here on such a short notice?” I pause for breath. Natalie takes advantage of that opportunity.

  “Layla, relax. Like I said, we talked last night. For one thing, you know that you would be my only guest. Two people won’t make a bachelorette party, Lals. We can have a quiet girl’s night in, catching up on The Walking Dead.”

  “You are pretty behind on that show. The season is almost over now, as it is. But that’s beside the point. The party is only one little tack on the map, when it comes to planning a wedding.”

  Natalie. Of course she would try to take advantage of my Darryl Dixon obsession to redirect the conversation and my near full blown anxiety attack.

  “Also, we are not getting married in a church. We want to go low key. Well, I want to and Ryan is beyond happy with that as well. So we’ve already decided where we want to get married. All you and I have to do is go dress shopping and Ryan will take the guys with him, so their fitted as well.”

  “Okay, so where do you guys plan on getting married?”

  “Well, we know we want to do something water themed. It’s something we oddly share in common. You know the water soothes me, and for Ryan, it’s where he finds his peace and inspiration.”

  “Okay…”

  “Well we decided we would get married on a beach. We’re going to have a small beach wedding. It’s going to be perfect.”

  “What beach? One here in Massachusetts?”

  “We were thinking maybe Maui, Hawaii, or even St. Martin, but we’ve decided to do it somewhere not so far from home.”

  “So here in Boston?”

  “No, silly. Home. Our Home.” Nat says.

  “Lake George?”

  “Yes.”

  “You actually told Ryan where home was?” I asked surprised.

  “Well, he saw it on the paperwork that I had to fill out for Temperance’s birth certificate. He had to sign a few papers as well, and he saw.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He told me that he has been in that area a few times. The closest he has been is Albany for shows. But one year, I guess him and the guys came up for a weekend and it kind of became some summer retreat thing.” She reveals.

  “Sounds interesting.” I say, clearly disinterested.

  A wedding so close to home does not sound interesting to me at all. I don’t want to see my parents. I don’t want her to see my parents.

  “Anyway, Ryan owns a home on the lake and I thought maybe I could hire The Sagamore to plan the wedding. They have a full service catering needs, wedding planner. We could fly there for a day, talk to the wedding planner, tell her what I want, and not have to come back until a few days before the wedding.” She explains.

  “Sounds great.”

  “Layla, I know you don’t want to come. I know you don’t want to see them, but maybe now is a good time. Probably the best time to try to move past the heartache.”

  No. This is definitely not a good idea. Actually, it’s the worst.

  But.

  I.

  Can’t.

  Say.

  No.

  “Maybe, it is. Maybe, it isn’t.”

  “Lals, I know what you’re thinking right now.” Nope. You have no idea.

  “All right, well the doctor is here now to look at Temperance. I’ll let you know if we get discharged and maybe you’ll come around for dinner. Bring Liam with you too. I would love to see both of you.” Fuck. Liam.

  “Yeah, I’ll run it by him and the rest of the crazed nitwits.”

  “Hey, be nice to them, will ya? They’re family now, there’s no changing it. You know they love you, probably as much as I do.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Get back to that baby of yours. Love ya.”

  “Love you too.”

  I hit end the call on my phone and sit there, staring at the screen. There is no way we can see my parents. My father wouldn’t be able to hold his mouth shut and him opening his mouth, would ruin the last few years of effort on my part, in keeping Natalie’s pain to a minimum.

  There is no short or long way around it. Ever since Natalie’s hospital stay, he has been blowing up my phone with voicemail messages. I hit ignore every time I see his name scrolling on my screen.

  He’s even resorted to using my mom’s phone. I ignore that too. For some reason, Natalie put my parents down as an emergency contact under my name with her physician’s office. Even though I was her health care proxy, they had called to let them know she wasn’t doing so well.

  I’m surprised with the amount of ignored phone calls I received, they didn’t ambush us as soon as we got home from the hospital. Or that they didn’t try calling Natalie outright.

  Maybe they think she overdosed, because I had told her the truth and my dad is too ashamed to speak to her himself. Either way, a meeting between the two cannot take place. If it does, I have no idea how it will end. Only that it would be bad. Very, very bad.

  “Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.”

  -Paul Tournier

  Chapter 5

  Liam

  I throw my phone onto my bed. I run my hands through my hair, what I’ve grown of it anyways. Frustrated.

  A huge piece of myself wants to run to Natalie and tell her not to make this mistake. That I am the one for her. But I can’t. My life’s a pile of shit swept into a corner and that’s something I wouldn’t bring her or anyone else into.

  What in the fuck am I thinking?

  She deserves so much more than I would ever be able to give her. Happiness, which is something Ryan can give her.

  I can’t give her a life of smiles and sunshine, or a ‘happily ever after’ life. I’ve also never been one to want children. Temperance is an exception. She’s Ryan’s and Natalie’s, not mine.

  I have to find a way to get this shit out of my head for good. I have a feeling that just cutting Natalie out of my life isn’t going to work. And if I were to cut her off, Ryan would question it, especially after this. Their engagement.

  Jesus. They are getting married. She said yes. Clearly, this is what she wants. I start tugging at my hair, hoping the pain of it will numb what I am feeling at this very moment.

  It’s not working. I need something stronger than this. I just have to get out of here. Maybe go back home for a few days. No, not Cordova, but Los Angeles. I need space and time. To work through this. Being here in her room isn’t going to help me let the feelings go.

  Deciding I have to get away, I walk into the kitchen to grab my car keys. Layla stops me.

  I really do not need this shit right now. Her confronting me isn’t going to help. It’s only going to make matters worse. I can see the pity in her eyes. She looks at me as if I am pathetic. Weak.

  “L
iam.” She says, patronizing.

  “Don’t. Just don’t, Layla. I need you to just leave me alone, let me leave.”

  “Running away isn’t going to help anything. It’s not going to help you move on. You need to face your feelings and work through them. This,” she says, while grabbing at my keys, “isn’t going to change anything.”

  “Layla, you may enjoy being in everyone else’s business, but I would really appreciate it if you would stay out of mine.” She flinches at my nasty tone.

  I don’t know what else I could say to get her to leave me alone and if she doesn’t let me go, I feel like I will say something even worse to her, something I would regret and wouldn’t be able to take back.

  “I’m trying really hard not to take my mood out on you, so please just let me go, Lals.” I say, pleading with her.

  “Promise you’re going to come back. That you’re not going to run away.” She begs.

  “I can’t make that promise.” I say, while side swiping her on my way out the door.

  I’ve been driving around aimlessly for about an hour, with no destination in mind. Layla’s last words keep playing in my head, about running away. Where does she get off believing that she has one ounce of understanding of what I am feeling? The girl who is notorious for having week long sexual partners, then she drops them.

  What would she know of love? Of caring for someone so deeply to the point of your being happy consists of them being happy. Wanting the best above anything for that person, to where you would consider stepping down from those feelings, because you know in the end you couldn’t be the person to make her happy.

  That person couldn’t, wouldn’t ever be me.

  I turn the car around to go in the direction I was originally speeding away from. There is no way I could possibly run away for good, seeing as how I am in a band with the guy whom holds Nat’s heart. So, on to taking measures that I would otherwise stay away from.

  Alcohol. The absolute best way to numb any feeling you would want to ignore. A few hours of somewhat remote blissfulness, provided by a buzz that could last well into the next morning. Hopefully Zepp, Jason and Gage are game for a night out.

  “The heart will break, but broken live on.”

  -Lord Byron

  Chapter 6

  Layla

  I should have thought about how Liam would take this and that as Natalie was calling me, Ryan was probably doing the same with Liam. Asking him to be the best man, to stand with him as well.

  Two undeserving best friends, standing up before all others, while life changing vows are made. Vows that are usually, in my experience, kept for life. Not mattering what happens within the relationship. When you say I do, it’s forever.

  There isn’t a fall back, no escape plan. You can’t walk away when shit gets tough, or when you discover the person you decided to share your life with was nothing but layers upon layers of lies. Down to the very core.

  I found out at fifteen that life wasn’t fairytales and rainbows of happiness. That love wasn’t the be all end all everyone made it out to be. Love was shit.

  It was an emotion I would wish every day, to this very day, not to ever experience. It made people selfish, uncaring about how their actions may affect others involved.

  Love made people blind, stupidly, ignorantly, blind. Like my mother.

  My father could never, still can’t do anything wrong in her eyes. She was and probably still is an unthinking stepford wife. The perfect of everything. Ignoring the truth of it all and much more. She would rather hide behind her lavish curtains in her mansion of faked happiness, than ever giving any salt to the truth of words that surround my name. Her name. My father’s name.

  Liam isn’t aware of it yet, but he will realize. He got away unscathed from the misfortune’s love produces. Not that I wouldn’t ever want Natalie happy, but Ryan is obviously the guy for her. The one that she wants.

  I can sense that Liam and I carry the same opinion on love, normally. Natalie being his exception.

  For years before, I’m sure, my mother hid away her own feelings about her marriage to my father. She pretended to be the ever devoted wife, loving and faithful. Blissfully wrapped up in love, content.

  For one day, one day only, that veil was lifted. I saw the truth, the hurtfully naked truth. Everything came barreling out in rolling waves, crashing upon me as I were the shore.

  Unfortunately for my mother, I was as susceptible to a tsunami, as any other shore is. I couldn’t handle it and I broke. I lost it, on both of my parents. Truths came raining out of their mouths in tidal waves, torrential and horrendous.

  I hated them for what I learned. But there was nothing I could have done about it, other than to act as if it never happened and protect Natalie from the harshness of the situation.

  Protecting her is all I have done since. And I will do whatever I have to, to make sure that my family doesn’t ruin her long trail she has paved to reach the point she has now found herself in.

  I find myself crouched into the sofa, when the guys walk in. I can only surmise as to how their shopping trip went.

  “Layla!” Gage yells.

  Apparently not seeing me sitting on the couch.

  “Right here,” I say as I stand up and make my way to the island bar in the kitchen.

  Gage sets several bags onto the counter. Jason and Zepp do the same.

  “We have a few more trips left. If you want to start putting the food away, that will help.” Zepp advises.

  “Did you guys buy Walmart out?” I ask jokingly.

  If they have even one more trip left up with bags, I doubt that all of the food will even fit. I grab an empty plastic bag out from under the sink and start emptying bags of food, placing the now empty bags inside of the one I’m holding.

  A huge pet peeve of mine. People emptying groceries and just letting the empty bags fly around the floor. As I continue emptying bags, I notice that the guys packed every single one in themes: canned goods, pasta, deli meat, yogurts, and cheeses. Bags upon bags.

  Gage enters first and loads the counter up, yet again. They do this two more times after that.

  “You guys bought way too much. There is no way this will all fit. You’re going to have to bring some of this to Natalie’s.” I suggest.

  “We didn’t know what you liked to eat, other than what we ate of yours already. So, we made sure to get a bit of everything. Anything you don’t like, we’ll take to Ryan and Nat.” Zepp tells me.

  “So you guys had no plan going in? That’s a waste of money.” I say, while laughing.

  “We just wanted to fill your stomach, so your mouth was shut,” Jason interjects.

  Dick.

  “Oh yeah? And you wanted me to cook for that mouth?”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way at all. Just that we always eat your food, and well, you were abnormally upset about it. I mean it’s just food.” Jason pleads, although in an unusual way.

  Normally, when you apologize, you don’t say sorry, then insult the person right after. The apology might as well not even be there.

  “Very sincere. I won’t hold your mouth against Gage or Zepp, though. I’ll still make them dinner.” Jason keeps on going, as if threatening to take away his dinner is of no consequence.

  “So Gage, Zepp, what did you guys want me to make tonight?”

  “You’ll make whatever we want, right?” Gage asks.

  “Sure, as long as you got everything that I need to make it.” I say suspiciously. They’ve got something up their sleeves.

  “Spit it out.”

  “We would love it if you would make us Lasagna.” Gage says, eyeing me steadily.

  I let out a whoosh of air I didn’t realize I was holding. With them, you never know what they have planned. They’ve had some pretty outlandish ideas.

  “There is a catch, though,” Zepp interjects.

  Of course, there it is. Always a catch.

  “Yes?”

  “We want
you to make it like Gages’ grandmother made it, and with a salad and bread sticks. The whole dinner.” Zepp tells me.

  “Salad and Breadsticks are easy. I’m sure her recipe isn’t that much different than anyone else’s.”

  “Awesome! Then let’s get this food put away before it goes bad, wouldn’t want Lals having a stroke or anything,” Gage says.

  I ignore his tactics in edging me on and start filling the cupboards with food, the food that I, or Liam would actually consume.

  Sardines in oil. I toss the tin can back into the bag. Disgusting.

  With all of us putting groceries away, it takes less than an hour, much less time than if I was doing this alone. All in all, they did pretty well. There are about five bags of unperishable food sitting in the trunk of their car that can go on over to Ryan’s mansion of a house.

  Liam still isn’t back and the longer he’s away, the more I start worrying about him. I suspected that he had feelings for her when he started sleeping in the same bed as her, but he constantly redirected our conversations, so I started questioning less and less.

  He fought with me pulling the friend card out constantly. How could I have not believed him?

  It wasn’t until he told me that she was pregnant that I realized how he truly felt for her, the pain etched on his face was a mirror copy of Natalie’s. Only, his was for her and Nat’s was because of Ryan.

  At first, I felt horrible for him, to love someone and not be able to tell them. He couldn’t have her, for she was already taken. Irrevocably taken.

  Then when Natalie and Ryan decided to work their shit out, their relationship was all up in his face. I pitied him. He wouldn’t move on, couldn’t move on. He’s had quite a few months to move past those feelings, to lose them, to drown them and he hasn’t.

  Today was a train wreck, one that I saw coming miles, months if you will, away. Every time I said something, he would instantly shut me down, locking himself like a friggen teenager in his room blaring music. Or he would just leave.